Who: Fever, Helena, and those threading with them What:January non-event things. When: All month. Where: Across the isle. Warning(s): To be noted in threads individually
What she gives in return is gentleness, something that once felt so foreign but now feels necessary, possible. Even when she breaks it, she brings their foreheads together, letting her take in some of the changes. There is room to breathe - fitful emotions that barely managed to coexist can now flow, and above all, a deep and serene sense of relief. What would try and whisper hatred with every breath has been removed - not merely unbound but uprooted, and in its place, something that actually has a chance to grow and flower if not fed solely on blood.
It worked. It worked. And she could dance, she could sing, she could run across the entire island with the strength of this joy.
As the kiss breaks and they stand in silence, as they have done so many times before, with their foreheads pressed together, Valdis reaches out to explore the soul she knows so well. Gently, carefully. It's exhilarating to be feel the lightness, the joy, the beautiful freedom she's been wishing for Fever since they met. The rage that always simmered and the lingering lust to spill blood have vanished, replaced with a happiness she hopes to one day feel for herself.
"I can't feel him anymore," she whispers. "You're free."
A fitting end for that fragment, that ghost that was haunting her and keeping that connection open. Now there is uncertainty, where there was a direct path of what he wanted, and yet Fever revels in it. Trading a set end of despair for potential, for choice, for the chance to keep forging her own path. She will still be violent, she will still be capable of all she was, but now it ends when she chooses it to. Now she can stay her hand, or commit.
"And I feel so much, and I don't know whether I want to laugh or weep or lie down in the snow and kiss the ground. Everything is different."
And yet, beneath all that difference, it’s still her Fever and the fears she had kept hidden never needed to be thought of in the first place. She’s here, she’s free for the first time in her life, free to finally feel what she wants to feel, to explore everything life has to offer her without the violent intrusive thoughts. Without the headache. Without worrying she will hurt those she cares about.
As happy as this all makes her, she still remembers the feeling of him trying to tear Fever away from her. Well, not just from her, but from life, from Pumpkin Hollow, from everyone who loves her.
She’ll need to thank Mortanne.
“You can do anything you want to do. That’s what being free means.”
What headaches come, they'll be physical, not a punishment for disobedience. What thoughts cross her mind, they will not enter her hands unless she makes a decision. The lifting of such a weight off her spirit and soul leaves her light, and she laughs, full of too much joy to restrain it.
"I can actually consider what a future means." One more chuckle. "Though, for the nearest future, let me step inside and not let all the warmth out of the house."
Neither of them will freeze, but she wants to step in and embrace Valdis properly.
She pulls Fever into the house. The fire is crackling in the fireplace, Ava and Shasta are curled up in front of it, but Anani is making his way over to wind around their legs before they can get too far into the house. Valdis closes the door, trapping the heat back inside.
"Come on, we can sit on the sofa in front of the fire with the girls and...tea?"
Now that Fever doesn't feel as if she will snuff out the light she wants to stand in, do they really just go back to how things were before? Or would things be different now?
Such questions linger even if they had just kissed on the porch in the freezing weather.
It's their ritual, after all, and even before she starts to pull off her coat, she bends down to stroke the cat, a little hello in his language to know he's been properly admired and adored before the others attend to their business. And then the rest is as easy as it's ever been, to hang her things and go to the sofa, basking in the warmth that the fire offers.
Maybe it's just her own perception, but she could swear that she exists more in the present moment like this. The comfort, the calm, the perfect picture of the girls napping by the fire. It's a marvel, and she doesn't think it'll ever stop.
The moment Fever had called her, she had set about making the tea. She chose something rich, flavorful and earthy for today, a tea that feels warm in addition to actually being warm. It's almost finished steeping, so she grabs the teacups from the cupboard as well as the sugar cubes.
Anani accepts the tribute and makes his way back to the fire, tail high in the air as if he owns the place. He snuggles up next to Ava, purring madly while the doglike creature ignores him.
"Please take a seat, I'll bring the tea over in a moment."
She needs no further invitation to come and sit, stretching out her hands towards the fire and letting the warmth chase away any chill. Fever thinks, as she waits, she's almost never felt this calm in this house before.
Except, of course, when Valdis was deliberately soothing her, but it's nice to feel it on her own. Being able to bring peace instead of chaos inside. She watches the pets, and feels no need to do anything other than to wait, and to smile at Valdis when she sees her again.
Valdis settles into the rhythm she knows so well, putting the teacups on a tray with the pot along with some cookies from Max. She carries it to the couch, like she always does, but pauses partway there, knowing that this isn't like always. Fever sits with a contentment and peace that she never had before, even when she was able to relax there had always been something sharp about her that has softened.
She continues her way to the couch, setting the tray on the coffee table, pouring the tea into the cups before taking a seat next to Fever.
"I am happy. It feels like....I've been struggling to breathe for years and years, and now I actually can. It's so easy."
Valdis is near, and Fever chooses to shift so that she's right next to her, able to rest her head on the other woman's shoulder. Which she does, seeking the physical contact in much the same way as Anani might demand more pets.
"Didn't realize how much space he took up in me until he was gone. Maybe that's why it was hard to fit in my own skin. Not enough space for me, when there was someone else there, unless I was small and fit myself around him."
The description of how Fever felt as the part of her that wasn't truly her took up so much space she had to make herself fit explained so much of the tension in the woman's soul. It's not a feeling she knows for herself, but she can feel in Fever just how much of an impact it has had.
"That would drive anyone mad."
Like a painful abscess, filled with something poisonous with nowhere to go. It must have hurt so much more than Fever let her feel, not that her empathy has been particularly hard on her what with the vastness of this space.
She'll never know if she was always like this, or if she was ever sweet, free of blood and terror. If she ever touched things without leaving foul handprints on them. If her name was a good thing to be called.
"...I've been mad since you met me, Valdis. I always will be. There's no life in which I'm not. This much, I know for certain."
For a long moment, she just sits there, before pulling herself back up to take a cup of the tea. The warmth in her hands is welcome, and she sips the tea, appreciating the flavor for itself before reaching to add a sugar cube. There. Now it's perfect.
"Did you feel anything, when it happened? I don't know if you would have, but..."
They sit in silence a little too long, she didn't expect this to be so awkward. She picks up her own tea when Fever sits up, adding a sugar cube of her own and idly swirling the tea around to dissolve it.
"I felt everything...It took all of my self control to stop myself from hunting you all down. I knew I wouldn't be able to help, probably would have just gotten in the way, and I knew if you wanted me there, you would have asked."
"I had to do it on my own. That was part of it. I didn't know precisely what was coming, but I could only bring myself. That I knew for a while."
Her expression twists, in a what can you do expression, but Valdis will know that a flicker of resignation runs through her at expressing that. To unwind one's own fate is not an easy task.
"I know. I'm not offended. It was for the best that I wasn't there, and I know some things you have to do yourself."
Tiamat may have been silent for the better part of a year, but that doesn't mean she isn't there, who knows how the goddess would have reacted to the ceremony, or Mortanne or Sheo. Not to mention how much she herself could have ruined by not understanding the ceremony.
For a second, Fever's quiet, contemplating her words, before she forms them in the right shape for her response.
"Having all this space now within me is a good thing, it's what I wanted, but...it also shows me the true breadth of everything I lack. It will take more work than I thought to fill in all the gaps. Make me less...empty. There's so little of me, compared to someone else."
Taking another drink of the tea, she settles into her place next to Valdis.
"And I wonder if the me in the past ever realized how little of herself there actually was."
Their shared blood, that promise. You are me. To not forget each other.
Valdis leans into Fever, understanding how the woman feels perhaps more than she realizes.
"I have lived many lives, none of them my own, and the one before here was at the mercy of someone who didn't know what living was. It's not easy, but we can figure it out together."
"Yes. And I'm looking forward to it. There's so much we'll get to experience for ourselves, as ourselves. And at least you'll know you're not the only one stumbling through it all when everyone else seems to get it without trying."
The hand that's not holding her cup reaches for Valdis's own, to press it.
"I even thought about renaming myself, to commemorate my liberation."
Yes. Those words should be more comforting than they are. Fever now has the opportunity to make her own life as she wants, but Valdis can't break free from her own fate. Even if it were possible to, she's not sure she would take the opportunity as easily as she once believed.
"...I'm keeping it. It did its best to hang on even when everything else was gone. I can't discredit that. But I want to add a last name, maybe a middle name too. I'll still be me, but there'll just be more of me. Filling up some of that space."
A little more complete. A little more like a regular person, if she's to be frank.
Valdis squeezes Fever's hand. She could have changed her own name if she wished, and she had, many times, but those were all an act, just someone to pretend to be. She had chosen to use the name Valdis, even with everything it entailed. She's glad Fever has chosen to do the same, but even if she hadn't, Valdis would support her.
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It worked. It worked. And she could dance, she could sing, she could run across the entire island with the strength of this joy.
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"I can't feel him anymore," she whispers. "You're free."
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A fitting end for that fragment, that ghost that was haunting her and keeping that connection open. Now there is uncertainty, where there was a direct path of what he wanted, and yet Fever revels in it. Trading a set end of despair for potential, for choice, for the chance to keep forging her own path. She will still be violent, she will still be capable of all she was, but now it ends when she chooses it to. Now she can stay her hand, or commit.
"And I feel so much, and I don't know whether I want to laugh or weep or lie down in the snow and kiss the ground. Everything is different."
But it's a difference she's needed.
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As happy as this all makes her, she still remembers the feeling of him trying to tear Fever away from her. Well, not just from her, but from life, from Pumpkin Hollow, from everyone who loves her.
She’ll need to thank Mortanne.
“You can do anything you want to do. That’s what being free means.”
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"I can actually consider what a future means." One more chuckle. "Though, for the nearest future, let me step inside and not let all the warmth out of the house."
Neither of them will freeze, but she wants to step in and embrace Valdis properly.
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She pulls Fever into the house. The fire is crackling in the fireplace, Ava and Shasta are curled up in front of it, but Anani is making his way over to wind around their legs before they can get too far into the house. Valdis closes the door, trapping the heat back inside.
"Come on, we can sit on the sofa in front of the fire with the girls and...tea?"
Now that Fever doesn't feel as if she will snuff out the light she wants to stand in, do they really just go back to how things were before? Or would things be different now?
Such questions linger even if they had just kissed on the porch in the freezing weather.
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It's their ritual, after all, and even before she starts to pull off her coat, she bends down to stroke the cat, a little hello in his language to know he's been properly admired and adored before the others attend to their business. And then the rest is as easy as it's ever been, to hang her things and go to the sofa, basking in the warmth that the fire offers.
Maybe it's just her own perception, but she could swear that she exists more in the present moment like this. The comfort, the calm, the perfect picture of the girls napping by the fire. It's a marvel, and she doesn't think it'll ever stop.
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Anani accepts the tribute and makes his way back to the fire, tail high in the air as if he owns the place. He snuggles up next to Ava, purring madly while the doglike creature ignores him.
"Please take a seat, I'll bring the tea over in a moment."
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Except, of course, when Valdis was deliberately soothing her, but it's nice to feel it on her own. Being able to bring peace instead of chaos inside. She watches the pets, and feels no need to do anything other than to wait, and to smile at Valdis when she sees her again.
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She continues her way to the couch, setting the tray on the coffee table, pouring the tea into the cups before taking a seat next to Fever.
"You feel happy."
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Valdis is near, and Fever chooses to shift so that she's right next to her, able to rest her head on the other woman's shoulder. Which she does, seeking the physical contact in much the same way as Anani might demand more pets.
"Didn't realize how much space he took up in me until he was gone. Maybe that's why it was hard to fit in my own skin. Not enough space for me, when there was someone else there, unless I was small and fit myself around him."
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"That would drive anyone mad."
Like a painful abscess, filled with something poisonous with nowhere to go. It must have hurt so much more than Fever let her feel, not that her empathy has been particularly hard on her what with the vastness of this space.
"I'm glad you can breathe again."
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She'll never know if she was always like this, or if she was ever sweet, free of blood and terror. If she ever touched things without leaving foul handprints on them. If her name was a good thing to be called.
"...I've been mad since you met me, Valdis. I always will be. There's no life in which I'm not. This much, I know for certain."
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She turns her head to kiss the top of Fever's head, happy with the contact, but concerned that Fever might think she's being dismissive.
"I'm saying it's not your fault."
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For a long moment, she just sits there, before pulling herself back up to take a cup of the tea. The warmth in her hands is welcome, and she sips the tea, appreciating the flavor for itself before reaching to add a sugar cube. There. Now it's perfect.
"Did you feel anything, when it happened? I don't know if you would have, but..."
That tie they share, after all.
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"I felt everything...It took all of my self control to stop myself from hunting you all down. I knew I wouldn't be able to help, probably would have just gotten in the way, and I knew if you wanted me there, you would have asked."
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Her expression twists, in a what can you do expression, but Valdis will know that a flicker of resignation runs through her at expressing that. To unwind one's own fate is not an easy task.
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Tiamat may have been silent for the better part of a year, but that doesn't mean she isn't there, who knows how the goddess would have reacted to the ceremony, or Mortanne or Sheo. Not to mention how much she herself could have ruined by not understanding the ceremony.
"I know you are happy, but you seem...sad too."
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"Having all this space now within me is a good thing, it's what I wanted, but...it also shows me the true breadth of everything I lack. It will take more work than I thought to fill in all the gaps. Make me less...empty. There's so little of me, compared to someone else."
Taking another drink of the tea, she settles into her place next to Valdis.
"And I wonder if the me in the past ever realized how little of herself there actually was."
Their shared blood, that promise. You are me. To not forget each other.
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"I have lived many lives, none of them my own, and the one before here was at the mercy of someone who didn't know what living was. It's not easy, but we can figure it out together."
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The hand that's not holding her cup reaches for Valdis's own, to press it.
"I even thought about renaming myself, to commemorate my liberation."
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Power is necessary.
Valdis smiles, taking the hand reaching for hers.
"Oh? And what have you decided?"
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A little more complete. A little more like a regular person, if she's to be frank.
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"And what names are you considering?"
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One of them, she knows already. But the other? She'll have to ask. See if he knows anything fitting.
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