Who: Fever, Helena, and those threading with them What:January non-event things. When: All month. Where: Across the isle. Warning(s): To be noted in threads individually
The description of how Fever felt as the part of her that wasn't truly her took up so much space she had to make herself fit explained so much of the tension in the woman's soul. It's not a feeling she knows for herself, but she can feel in Fever just how much of an impact it has had.
"That would drive anyone mad."
Like a painful abscess, filled with something poisonous with nowhere to go. It must have hurt so much more than Fever let her feel, not that her empathy has been particularly hard on her what with the vastness of this space.
She'll never know if she was always like this, or if she was ever sweet, free of blood and terror. If she ever touched things without leaving foul handprints on them. If her name was a good thing to be called.
"...I've been mad since you met me, Valdis. I always will be. There's no life in which I'm not. This much, I know for certain."
For a long moment, she just sits there, before pulling herself back up to take a cup of the tea. The warmth in her hands is welcome, and she sips the tea, appreciating the flavor for itself before reaching to add a sugar cube. There. Now it's perfect.
"Did you feel anything, when it happened? I don't know if you would have, but..."
They sit in silence a little too long, she didn't expect this to be so awkward. She picks up her own tea when Fever sits up, adding a sugar cube of her own and idly swirling the tea around to dissolve it.
"I felt everything...It took all of my self control to stop myself from hunting you all down. I knew I wouldn't be able to help, probably would have just gotten in the way, and I knew if you wanted me there, you would have asked."
"I had to do it on my own. That was part of it. I didn't know precisely what was coming, but I could only bring myself. That I knew for a while."
Her expression twists, in a what can you do expression, but Valdis will know that a flicker of resignation runs through her at expressing that. To unwind one's own fate is not an easy task.
"I know. I'm not offended. It was for the best that I wasn't there, and I know some things you have to do yourself."
Tiamat may have been silent for the better part of a year, but that doesn't mean she isn't there, who knows how the goddess would have reacted to the ceremony, or Mortanne or Sheo. Not to mention how much she herself could have ruined by not understanding the ceremony.
For a second, Fever's quiet, contemplating her words, before she forms them in the right shape for her response.
"Having all this space now within me is a good thing, it's what I wanted, but...it also shows me the true breadth of everything I lack. It will take more work than I thought to fill in all the gaps. Make me less...empty. There's so little of me, compared to someone else."
Taking another drink of the tea, she settles into her place next to Valdis.
"And I wonder if the me in the past ever realized how little of herself there actually was."
Their shared blood, that promise. You are me. To not forget each other.
Valdis leans into Fever, understanding how the woman feels perhaps more than she realizes.
"I have lived many lives, none of them my own, and the one before here was at the mercy of someone who didn't know what living was. It's not easy, but we can figure it out together."
"Yes. And I'm looking forward to it. There's so much we'll get to experience for ourselves, as ourselves. And at least you'll know you're not the only one stumbling through it all when everyone else seems to get it without trying."
The hand that's not holding her cup reaches for Valdis's own, to press it.
"I even thought about renaming myself, to commemorate my liberation."
Yes. Those words should be more comforting than they are. Fever now has the opportunity to make her own life as she wants, but Valdis can't break free from her own fate. Even if it were possible to, she's not sure she would take the opportunity as easily as she once believed.
"...I'm keeping it. It did its best to hang on even when everything else was gone. I can't discredit that. But I want to add a last name, maybe a middle name too. I'll still be me, but there'll just be more of me. Filling up some of that space."
A little more complete. A little more like a regular person, if she's to be frank.
Valdis squeezes Fever's hand. She could have changed her own name if she wished, and she had, many times, but those were all an act, just someone to pretend to be. She had chosen to use the name Valdis, even with everything it entailed. She's glad Fever has chosen to do the same, but even if she hadn't, Valdis would support her.
New names, new goals...there's nothing holding Fever back now. Part of her is jealous. It sounds so wonderful to be free, but she would have to give things up that she is unwilling to lose.
"Gives me even more of a reason to work towards tearing this barrier down. There's an entire world out there I'd like to get to know about before I get too much older."
And promising Linette they'd shove the chaos god back into whatever hole he crawled out of contributes a little as well.
"What's the first thing you want to do, when it's gone?"
Yes, an entire new world, for the first time since her own home, which had never really been a home in a the first place. Her home was with Max, and Miles and Fever and the pets. Wherever they were was where she wanted to be.
And yet, she has never been one to settle down.
"I don't know. The rest of this world could be in a different time, it may not even exist. Aster said it was scooped away, but we don't know from what or how long ago it really was. The citizens say one thing, but Paradesium another. I cannot make a choice without more information. Besides I have to take the others into account."
She assumes she will leave Marrow Isle, but if the others don't...she's not sure what she will choose.
She hums thoughtfully, considering such grand ideas as the rest of this world could be in a different time, and sets them aside. This world has to exist, to her. There's just not a doubt there.
"Whatever you decide, you know I'll support you. Whatever you want to do, wherever you want to go. If one of us ends up traveling, I'll write. Or just pop into your head on occasion, if our tie would allow it."
"I don't know how far our mental bond will reach, but I will always know if you are alive and if your soul is nearby."
The idea that they may part isn't a happy thought, but she can't expect Fever to stay with her forever, she doesn't want to be a cage to the woman who just found freedom. Of course she knows Fever doesn't want the same for her.
"I would love to hear about your adventures, if not join you on them."
"Oh, I can't imagine I'll be able to resist going on adventures with you."
She tips her head, thinking about what adventures they might go on, and how much food Max will have upon her return to him. Her thoughts return to the moment with Fever's question.
"Well, it's our souls, not our minds, but yes, you can."
"In the soul way," she amends, before focusing, and trying to convey her message.
Where before, when she tried to express her emotions to Valdis, she had been more hesitant, today it feels closer to taking the other woman by the hand and leading her on a walk. Side by side, instead of so far. More of an ease, gliding past what they know - the fondness, her worries, that solid determination that whatever she needs, Fever would be there. And then pulling back a curtain, and letting some more light into the place, and they both see what has grown there. Something in its very own shape, difficult to describe, but sturdy all the same, approached as gently as spring rain might fall on a field.
Fever's voice, mellow and easy.
I understand it all a little more now. I understand what makes you my dearest friend. Though I like the word you use better, partner. Makes me think about how much I trust you, and how much you trust me. That we chose to do so, and that we still do.
Valdis lets the walls fall to allow Fever to share what she wants to share. At first, it's nothing she doesn't already know, but slowly it shifts into something different.
Something beautiful. Something soft. Something sturdy. Something not easily broken.
Valdis leans against Fever, closing her eyes so she can just feel what her partner is sharing with her.
Part of me worried you would shy away from me now that you are free, because to me...you have been the light, but now I understand that we are the light for each other. We both know what it is like to be violent, but we both also know how to be soft.
That word still feels hard for her, hard to use and control, but she knows Valdis understands. It's her own hangups, and nothing the other woman has done. Something that time can ease, and time they have in abundance.
In lieu of a immediate response aloud, she gently squeezes Valdis's hand, letting herself relax more. The vulnerability she offers is as solid a response as anything else, allowing her feelings to ebb and flow, fearing no judgement. No walls, no weapons. Simply herself, and trusting in this house to hold her, in the presence of her partner at her side.
Just because I can breathe free air doesn't mean I want to shy away. I'm not your girlfriend, but that's no reason to doubt what I've said about you and my future. But it's a tease, nothing more, full of mirth - the sensation of sunlight glittering on water. If anything, you can know I mean it all the more, without needing to live with your blade near my throat. Building a future means I can choose who is in it simply because I want them there.
If she must grow and fill space, then let at least some of that space be people to keep close, who support her, who will come if she says but a word. Let Valdis fill space, knowing it was set aside just for her.
The fact that Fever doesn't say it in return doesn't bother her any more now than it did before. Things don't change overnight, freedom doesn't equal healing. Fever will need time and space to explore her new reality, but it's clear that there is still room for her in that new reality and really...that's all she needed to know.
I won't lie to you, I know I promised to stop you...but I never intended to do that at the cost of your life. Foolish perhaps, but I stopped Daisy's rampage without killing her, so I believe I could have done the same with you.
It still gives her a thrill and a joy she's not certain she will ever escape. The beauty of being powerful is not something one forgets so easily.
I want you to be in my future just as much as my present...so I'm glad you are free, and I want to take up space in your new future.
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"That would drive anyone mad."
Like a painful abscess, filled with something poisonous with nowhere to go. It must have hurt so much more than Fever let her feel, not that her empathy has been particularly hard on her what with the vastness of this space.
"I'm glad you can breathe again."
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She'll never know if she was always like this, or if she was ever sweet, free of blood and terror. If she ever touched things without leaving foul handprints on them. If her name was a good thing to be called.
"...I've been mad since you met me, Valdis. I always will be. There's no life in which I'm not. This much, I know for certain."
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She turns her head to kiss the top of Fever's head, happy with the contact, but concerned that Fever might think she's being dismissive.
"I'm saying it's not your fault."
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For a long moment, she just sits there, before pulling herself back up to take a cup of the tea. The warmth in her hands is welcome, and she sips the tea, appreciating the flavor for itself before reaching to add a sugar cube. There. Now it's perfect.
"Did you feel anything, when it happened? I don't know if you would have, but..."
That tie they share, after all.
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"I felt everything...It took all of my self control to stop myself from hunting you all down. I knew I wouldn't be able to help, probably would have just gotten in the way, and I knew if you wanted me there, you would have asked."
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Her expression twists, in a what can you do expression, but Valdis will know that a flicker of resignation runs through her at expressing that. To unwind one's own fate is not an easy task.
no subject
Tiamat may have been silent for the better part of a year, but that doesn't mean she isn't there, who knows how the goddess would have reacted to the ceremony, or Mortanne or Sheo. Not to mention how much she herself could have ruined by not understanding the ceremony.
"I know you are happy, but you seem...sad too."
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"Having all this space now within me is a good thing, it's what I wanted, but...it also shows me the true breadth of everything I lack. It will take more work than I thought to fill in all the gaps. Make me less...empty. There's so little of me, compared to someone else."
Taking another drink of the tea, she settles into her place next to Valdis.
"And I wonder if the me in the past ever realized how little of herself there actually was."
Their shared blood, that promise. You are me. To not forget each other.
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"I have lived many lives, none of them my own, and the one before here was at the mercy of someone who didn't know what living was. It's not easy, but we can figure it out together."
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The hand that's not holding her cup reaches for Valdis's own, to press it.
"I even thought about renaming myself, to commemorate my liberation."
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Power is necessary.
Valdis smiles, taking the hand reaching for hers.
"Oh? And what have you decided?"
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A little more complete. A little more like a regular person, if she's to be frank.
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"And what names are you considering?"
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One of them, she knows already. But the other? She'll have to ask. See if he knows anything fitting.
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New names, new goals...there's nothing holding Fever back now. Part of her is jealous. It sounds so wonderful to be free, but she would have to give things up that she is unwilling to lose.
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And promising Linette they'd shove the chaos god back into whatever hole he crawled out of contributes a little as well.
"What's the first thing you want to do, when it's gone?"
no subject
And yet, she has never been one to settle down.
"I don't know. The rest of this world could be in a different time, it may not even exist. Aster said it was scooped away, but we don't know from what or how long ago it really was. The citizens say one thing, but Paradesium another. I cannot make a choice without more information. Besides I have to take the others into account."
She assumes she will leave Marrow Isle, but if the others don't...she's not sure what she will choose.
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"Whatever you decide, you know I'll support you. Whatever you want to do, wherever you want to go. If one of us ends up traveling, I'll write. Or just pop into your head on occasion, if our tie would allow it."
Visit, if one of them ended up moving.
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"I don't know how far our mental bond will reach, but I will always know if you are alive and if your soul is nearby."
The idea that they may part isn't a happy thought, but she can't expect Fever to stay with her forever, she doesn't want to be a cage to the woman who just found freedom. Of course she knows Fever doesn't want the same for her.
"I would love to hear about your adventures, if not join you on them."
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She chuckles, then pauses as something comes to her.
"Can I share something with you? In the mind way."
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She tips her head, thinking about what adventures they might go on, and how much food Max will have upon her return to him. Her thoughts return to the moment with Fever's question.
"Well, it's our souls, not our minds, but yes, you can."
no subject
Where before, when she tried to express her emotions to Valdis, she had been more hesitant, today it feels closer to taking the other woman by the hand and leading her on a walk. Side by side, instead of so far. More of an ease, gliding past what they know - the fondness, her worries, that solid determination that whatever she needs, Fever would be there. And then pulling back a curtain, and letting some more light into the place, and they both see what has grown there. Something in its very own shape, difficult to describe, but sturdy all the same, approached as gently as spring rain might fall on a field.
Fever's voice, mellow and easy.
I understand it all a little more now. I understand what makes you my dearest friend. Though I like the word you use better, partner. Makes me think about how much I trust you, and how much you trust me. That we chose to do so, and that we still do.
no subject
Something beautiful. Something soft. Something sturdy. Something not easily broken.
Valdis leans against Fever, closing her eyes so she can just feel what her partner is sharing with her.
Part of me worried you would shy away from me now that you are free, because to me...you have been the light, but now I understand that we are the light for each other. We both know what it is like to be violent, but we both also know how to be soft.
She sighs softly, saying the next part out loud.
"I love you, Fever."
no subject
In lieu of a immediate response aloud, she gently squeezes Valdis's hand, letting herself relax more. The vulnerability she offers is as solid a response as anything else, allowing her feelings to ebb and flow, fearing no judgement. No walls, no weapons. Simply herself, and trusting in this house to hold her, in the presence of her partner at her side.
Just because I can breathe free air doesn't mean I want to shy away. I'm not your girlfriend, but that's no reason to doubt what I've said about you and my future. But it's a tease, nothing more, full of mirth - the sensation of sunlight glittering on water. If anything, you can know I mean it all the more, without needing to live with your blade near my throat. Building a future means I can choose who is in it simply because I want them there.
If she must grow and fill space, then let at least some of that space be people to keep close, who support her, who will come if she says but a word. Let Valdis fill space, knowing it was set aside just for her.
no subject
I won't lie to you, I know I promised to stop you...but I never intended to do that at the cost of your life. Foolish perhaps, but I stopped Daisy's rampage without killing her, so I believe I could have done the same with you.
It still gives her a thrill and a joy she's not certain she will ever escape. The beauty of being powerful is not something one forgets so easily.
I want you to be in my future just as much as my present...so I'm glad you are free, and I want to take up space in your new future.
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