Sephiroth (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
imjustaman) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ph_logs2025-04-30 03:32 pm
imjustaman) wrote in ph_logs2025-04-30 03:32 pm
No Escaping From What You Did | Sephiroth, OTA
Who: Sephiroth (imjustaman) & Everyone, especially Zack (fairtide)
What:
Struggling to recover from several months of having pain dredged up and having a horrific fall-out with Zack
When:
End of April
Where:
Police station and the woods
Warning(s):
Grief, guilt, survivor's guilt, depression, self-hatred, Sephiroth's past
Trying to Work
Sephiroth has not been handling anything well since that day he met Zack at the restaurant. He works, but he’s closed-off and quiet. He tries to present himself as being normal. He used to be able to do that, even after Angeal and Genesis left, but that was so long ago and things are so different now. He isn’t so good at pretending anymore. He’s torn between what to think. Everyone here has some deep-rooted pain and sorrow, and there’s even others who nearly destroyed worlds, so he tries to keep hold of those thoughts and tries to tell himself that it’s alright for him to reach out, to have friends. They deserve happiness, so why doesn’t he?
But it’s so much easier to say it, to think it, than to really believe it.
He shouldn't be here, granted another chance. He doesn't deserve it. He should have been left to die. Again.
There's no making up for what he did. No apology good enough. Nothing he can do.
He should be dead.
But what good would that do?
What good does any of it do? Has he made any positive difference here at all? Has he made things better for anyone?
Right now, it doesn't feel like it.
He goes about his work at the police station, but it’s likely obvious from his eyes that he’s shattered inside.
In the Woods
After work, Sephiroth tends to disappear from the radar. He feeds his Pokemon and then vanishes from the house. It’s not necessarily unusual behavior for him, but he’s gone much more these days. Has he been eating himself? Sleeping?
By now there are likely tales in town of the mysterious winged man in the woods, scary-looking yet apparently just there to try to protect others who have wandered into the paths of monsters. After all the displays of wings in his normal form over the last several months, most people may know it’s him. He’s not sure. He doesn’t care anymore.
If he’s not at the police station, or spending brief moments at home, he’s in the woods. Anyone stumbling across him will find a man with glowing eyes, levitating hair, and only one wing on his back. The rest are around his waist like a kilt or skirt. He does look formidable. He doesn't really look like Sephiroth unless one has ever seen him like this, but his voice is the same. And the wings are likely good identification.
imjustaman) & Everyone, especially Zack (fairtide)What:
Struggling to recover from several months of having pain dredged up and having a horrific fall-out with Zack
When:
End of April
Where:
Police station and the woods
Warning(s):
Grief, guilt, survivor's guilt, depression, self-hatred, Sephiroth's past
Trying to Work
Sephiroth has not been handling anything well since that day he met Zack at the restaurant. He works, but he’s closed-off and quiet. He tries to present himself as being normal. He used to be able to do that, even after Angeal and Genesis left, but that was so long ago and things are so different now. He isn’t so good at pretending anymore. He’s torn between what to think. Everyone here has some deep-rooted pain and sorrow, and there’s even others who nearly destroyed worlds, so he tries to keep hold of those thoughts and tries to tell himself that it’s alright for him to reach out, to have friends. They deserve happiness, so why doesn’t he?
But it’s so much easier to say it, to think it, than to really believe it.
He shouldn't be here, granted another chance. He doesn't deserve it. He should have been left to die. Again.
There's no making up for what he did. No apology good enough. Nothing he can do.
He should be dead.
But what good would that do?
What good does any of it do? Has he made any positive difference here at all? Has he made things better for anyone?
Right now, it doesn't feel like it.
He goes about his work at the police station, but it’s likely obvious from his eyes that he’s shattered inside.
In the Woods
After work, Sephiroth tends to disappear from the radar. He feeds his Pokemon and then vanishes from the house. It’s not necessarily unusual behavior for him, but he’s gone much more these days. Has he been eating himself? Sleeping?
By now there are likely tales in town of the mysterious winged man in the woods, scary-looking yet apparently just there to try to protect others who have wandered into the paths of monsters. After all the displays of wings in his normal form over the last several months, most people may know it’s him. He’s not sure. He doesn’t care anymore.
If he’s not at the police station, or spending brief moments at home, he’s in the woods. Anyone stumbling across him will find a man with glowing eyes, levitating hair, and only one wing on his back. The rest are around his waist like a kilt or skirt. He does look formidable. He doesn't really look like Sephiroth unless one has ever seen him like this, but his voice is the same. And the wings are likely good identification.
no subject
He'd do anything to see Aerith again, anything, but he knows Sephiroth didn't mean to harm her. He slashes the monster again, jumping out of the way of it's swipe as he slashes up and in, the monster groans but isn't dead, he tumbles forward, rolling between it's legs and coming out on top.] Hey, man. As you keep saying; it wasn't you. You can't hold yourself responsible for anything done under the influence of madness and corruption.
[he pauses a moment, slashing the monster again and then doing a back flip to get out of the way.] Part of me wants to hate you, wants to drive my sword into your bleeding heart and make sure you never live again but that's a very small part. I remember back then, you weren't the same guy, you weren't right in the head. Nothing seemed sane.
[He slashes again. Damn. Why won't this thing die?] You fought me like you didn't even know who I was. You weren't listening to reason, to sanity, nothing. You just... you just wanted to ruin everyone and everything. I doubt you were being yourself.
no subject
It was still me, still my body. I wanted to break free of my chains, to hurt everyone who had hurt me.... But then somehow it expanded to wanting to hurt the entire world. I did try to fight against that ... against her ... but always, I was swallowed up. Where did I end and where did she begin? I still don't know myself.
[He flies up again, continuing to slash at the monster. It's weakening. Hopefully he won't need to use magic attacks; he would rather not, in such dense woods.
It does hurt, to hear Zack say any part of him wants to kill him. But that's only right, only just. He deserves it; he should be dead. And never come back this time. Everyone would be happier without him.
He listens, pondering these words. And it does feel like a bit of the weight is lifted.]
... When I think back on that night, it doesn't feel real. I was so filled with rage and hatred and madness.... I want to say I didn't know who you were ... that Jenova was more in control than I was.... But I don't know if I'm just trying to make myself believe that because the alternative is too much to bear.
no subject
He slashes three times quickly, then turns to Sephiroth as it suddenly gives it and dies right there. It slumps over and blue blood pools underneath it's body.] I'm pretty sure you know the truth, you just don't want an easy way out. It's not an easy way when it's the truth. You probably didn't know who I was that night, or anything. I bet you didn't recognize anyone back then.
[He pauses, walking over to the creature's body and poking it with his sword to see if it's still alive. Nothing comes from it, not even a noise. He sighs a little with relief. It's white fur is matted with blue blood and it's tusks are slashed in half.] The memory doesn't feel real to me either. That was such a long time ago, I feel like it never happened yet I know it did.
[There's a pause as he slides his sword on his back straps, then turns to Sephiroth.] Feeling guilt for the rest of your life probably won't do you any favors or any good, especially when you weren't yourself.
no subject
... That may be true.
[Maybe with time, he can come to see it that way. If only it hadn't ever happened. But it did, and it has to be dealt with.
He looks the monster over as well. They definitely finished it off.]
How do I not feel guilt? I try to go on anyway, but it's always there, sometimes more in the back of my mind, sometimes more prominent. It feels ... wrong to be alive when they're dead.
no subject
[He places his hands behind his head, stretching out his body and groaning.] Hey, nothing you can do about it now. Like I said you obviously didn't mean it. If I were you, I'd stop dwelling and look toward the future. I know that's hard, but it's for the best.
[He drops his hands, sneezing suddenly.] I hope I'm not getting sick.
no subject
Yes.... I've tried to make a future for myself here, one that I had hoped would continue back on Gaia. I suppose we'll see.
[He winces as Zack sneezes.]
I hope not as well. Let's go back to town. I'll drop you off at your residence. Where are you staying?
no subject
That's the best you can do, I guess.
[He sneezes again, snot flying out of his nostrils.]
Okay, I'm sick. Wonder if I'm sicker here than I was back in Gaia. Soldiers rarely if ever get ill.
no subject
He winces, jumping back from such a sneeze.]
It's hard to say. I hope you didn't catch something from that monster. Some of the creatures here seem to spread strange maladies.
[He mentally memorizes what this beast looks like in case it's important. The sickness seemed to come on awfully fast....]
no subject
What could it have had? [He's not sure where his cold came from but it's here and he'll have to fight it the good old fashioned way.]
Why do those animal calls sound so weird? [he couldn't help asking.]
Anyway, sure. Lead me home. [He tells him where he lives.]
no subject
One of the disturbing things we've been dealing with lately are beings made of flowers that infect others and turn them into flower monsters as well. There have also been wolves that can infect people and turn them into wolves.
[He chuckles.]
The animals are called Pokemon. Many of them are friendly. I have two of them. Then there are others that aren't friendly, unfortunately.
[He starts to guide Zack out of the woods.]
no subject
That sounds crazy. You mean actual werewolves? Yeesh, that might be kinda cool.
[He hears Eevee over and over again. Words in the vast canopy of sounds.] What the hell is a pokemon?
[He follows Sephiroth from the woods, wishing he had been able to go on a hike. Maybe he'd try again later. He looks at Sephiroth to the side and sighs a little. His childhood hero turned friend seems troubled all the time. He wonders if it'll go on forever. He has a lot to feel guilty for at least, so he gets it.
He tries not to think about Aerith.]
no subject
[Sephiroth has to smile fondly in amusement. Of course Zack would find something like that neat.]
They are interesting. A lot of them resemble animals from home. Others are completely bizarre. A coworker of mine has told me several times about being attacked by a living sandcastle.
[He deadpans as he says this.]
Mine look relatively normal compared to that. One resembles a dog and the other, a fox. It's the latter kind you can hear calling in the woods. I could take you to meet mine sometime, if you would like.
[He figures he should just get Zack home now. Although ... will Zack have anyone to look after him if he gets very sick?
... He's really too much of a mother hen. Strange to think about, but true.
He has been a lot more troubled the last several months, although he's been wracked with guilt and grief since first becoming sane. He doubts he will ever completely get over it. But he tentatively hopes that perhaps there can be some healing, for Zack to forgive him.
As they approach the edge of the woods, he abruptly switches forms back to his normal form. His hair turns silver and stops levitating. He's put the wings away now. And he's dressed in his regular clothes instead of in ... whatever it is he was wearing in the Safer form.]
no subject
[He pauses, making it through the trees. He's trying to remember where he lives, he can't be too sure.] You have pets? Awesome! I'd love to meet them at some point, they sound cool.
[He wiped at his nose, it was tickling. He hated being sick. He remembered as a child when he would get sick on school days, he'd be upset because he wanted to go. He guesses this time the sickness isn't keeping him from anything important though.] Is there a hospital here? I don't want to go until It's necessary but I'd like to keep my options open.
no subject
They would likely be happy to meet you as well. They're both quite outgoing.
There are clinics. If you're concerned you may get that bad off, you shouldn't be left alone. Do you have a roommate?
no subject
Cool. If I wasn't sick, I'd go to your home now.
[His shoulders slumped, he felt terrible. A headache was coming already.] No roommate that I'm aware of. Why?
no subject
[He sighs, looking awkward.]
You seem to be growing ill very fast. A roommate could help you.
... You would be welcome to come to my house.... If you would like.
[Is it too awkward to make such an offer? Zack has only just said he forgives him. But ... he really might need help....]
no subject
[He blinks, he's being offered to head to Sephiroth's home?] ... I do act like a big baby when I'm sick but I'm sure I can take care of myself.
no subject
Yes, I doubt you could have a roommate and not know it.
There's still the possibility it might not be a normal sickness.
[Which is true. He's not sure what he thinks at this point. It seems normal enough. He's confused by how fast it came on, but it's possible it was festering for a while and is only coming out now after Zack was so active in the fight.]
no subject
[He sighed. Just what he needed, some unique uber sickness that knocked him off his feet.] I'm now going to manifest that it's normal. It's normal and going away in a few days with sleep, tea and soup. Man I could go for some chicken noodle soup right now.
no subject
He sobers at that. He hopes that's true.]
I can provide the soup, if you would like....
no subject
He doesn't know what what kind it was but he's grateful they weren't attacked. He doesn't want to get any animal sick either.]
I wouldn't mind that at all. [He smiles a little, then starts feeling nauseous as they make it out of the forest.]
Nevermind on the soup. I'm sick to my stomach. I live downtown by the way.
no subject
He smiles a bit more, happy that Zack seems accepting of him.]
My home is closer. I could get us there faster if we fly, but that might aggravate your nausea.
no subject
I'm staying at the Iron & Oak until I end up with a job.
no subject
[He keeps saying things like that, not wanting to overstep his bounds. But his house is definitely closer to their current location.]