No Escaping From What You Did | Sephiroth, OTA

[imjustaman]

Who: Sephiroth (imjustaman) & Everyone, especially Zack (fairtide)

What:
Struggling to recover from several months of having pain dredged up and having a horrific fall-out with Zack
When:
End of April
Where:
Police station and the woods
Warning(s):
Grief, guilt, survivor's guilt, depression, self-hatred, Sephiroth's past



Trying to Work

Sephiroth has not been handling anything well since that day he met Zack at the restaurant. He works, but he’s closed-off and quiet. He tries to present himself as being normal. He used to be able to do that, even after Angeal and Genesis left, but that was so long ago and things are so different now. He isn’t so good at pretending anymore. He’s torn between what to think. Everyone here has some deep-rooted pain and sorrow, and there’s even others who nearly destroyed worlds, so he tries to keep hold of those thoughts and tries to tell himself that it’s alright for him to reach out, to have friends. They deserve happiness, so why doesn’t he?

But it’s so much easier to say it, to think it, than to really believe it.

He shouldn't be here, granted another chance. He doesn't deserve it. He should have been left to die. Again.

There's no making up for what he did. No apology good enough. Nothing he can do.

He should be dead.

But what good would that do?

What good does any of it do? Has he made any positive difference here at all? Has he made things better for anyone?

Right now, it doesn't feel like it.

He goes about his work at the police station, but it’s likely obvious from his eyes that he’s shattered inside.

In the Woods

After work, Sephiroth tends to disappear from the radar. He feeds his Pokemon and then vanishes from the house. It’s not necessarily unusual behavior for him, but he’s gone much more these days. Has he been eating himself? Sleeping?

By now there are likely tales in town of the mysterious winged man in the woods, scary-looking yet apparently just there to try to protect others who have wandered into the paths of monsters. After all the displays of wings in his normal form over the last several months, most people may know it’s him. He’s not sure. He doesn’t care anymore.

If he’s not at the police station, or spending brief moments at home, he’s in the woods. Anyone stumbling across him will find a man with glowing eyes, levitating hair, and only one wing on his back. The rest are around his waist like a kilt or skirt. He does look formidable. He doesn't really look like Sephiroth unless one has ever seen him like this, but his voice is the same. And the wings are likely good identification.

Comments

[fairtide]

[He's heard of creatures in the woods, like the ones they have back home. He's decided to go for a walk, see what's hiding in there. Not to mention, he wants to go for a walk and expects monsters to be in the woods, he has a sword and some medicine incase he gets hurt.

His hand moves over the trunk of a tree, the bark rough, but sticky. He wonders if it's sap, it probably is. He walks for a little bit until he comes across a hulking creature, bigger than what he's used to. It stands tall, with spikes along it's back, it lashes out and he dodges to the side, then he slashes and starts fighting with it.

As he makes quick work of the creature, he doesn't notice the monster creeping up closer toward him, ready to lash out. He's knocked on his side with a hostile swipe and then he's on his back, with the creature over top of him. Both are on him now, he wasn't expecting this, usually he's way more accurate and effective when it comes to taking out the big ones.

He doesn't want to yell for help, but it's a close thing.]

[imjustaman]

[And Sephiroth is there, dropping out of a tree to plunge his sword into the creature. Of course he won't let Zack be harmed. He came as soon as he heard the movement and the creature's growls. His normal MO is to leave without saying a word, and as the creature is impaled, he leaps back to land on his feet in the grass. He has to make sure Zack is alright, not wounded or scratched. Maybe Zack would have rather been attacked than for Sephiroth to be the one saving him, he thinks to himself. Zack might not even know him like this, though....

How ironic that he had saved Zack on their very first meeting as well....

He stands by, looking Zack over, staying alert in case more monsters come.]

[fairtide]

[Zack almost manages to get the creature off him, but it comes back with a force to be reckoned with. He picks up his sword from the side of him and goes to cut off his head when it's impaled by someone else, he looks up in time to see Sephiroth, winged and almost majestic standing among the trees.

At first he feels anger rise up in him, then it tampers down. He just saved his ass, even though he had this. He blinked, then sat up, the second creature is trying to go after Zack too. He stands up quickly and cuts off it's head, it's body stands there a moment and then falls over with a thud.

He turns to look at Sephiroth, bemused. Maybe he has changed. He runs a hand through his hair, there's gunk on his face and all over his arms.] Convenient for you to be here. Were you following me?

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth stays alert, not willing to believe that's all of the creatures in the area.]

No, I didn't know you were here.

[He speaks quietly, staying back, not wanting to crowd Zack.]

It's not safe to wander through the woods, especially at night. There's always something lurking.... Something that isn't me.

[He adds, before Zack decides to make a crack about that.]

[fairtide]

I see. Well...thanks for saving me then.

[He watches his form, he wonders if Angeal or Sephiroth had the weirder form.]

So, I was told.

[He had a crack on the tip of his tongue, that Sephiroth looks like a creature they just took out but he keeps it from slipping.]

What are you doing out here, anyway?

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth nods.

At least this version of the form keeps his legs, unlike the one he debuted at the Northern Crater.

He definitely wouldn't be amused by such a crack, especially right now.]

I often come here. People are foolish enough to wander in instead of heeding the warnings. They usually regret it.

[He doesn't like to outright say he rescues them when he can, but not saying it, he's not sure if Zack will think he's part of the danger too.]

[fairtide]

[Zack watches the form with some fascination, it's strange to see. He wonders if Angeal would have survived, if he would have been able to keep his form like Sephiroth does.

He listens for monsters, but he hears none at the moment, not until a few minutes later when three monsters come out of the woods, two of them run toward Sephiroth and Zack, while Zack takes his sword and slashes his assasiliant and then slashes again. It reaches out and attacks him with a quick slash of claws and Zack slashes again.]

I took care of monsters back home. This is nothing I can't handle, Sephiroth.

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth's is his own creation, aside from the black wing, but he wonders too what Angeal could have done had he stayed sane and lived.

He comes alert at the monsters and makes quick work of the ones coming at him. He looks to Zack and nods.]

Very well then.

[He stays back to let Zack fight the third monster. He can't help remembering times in the past when they fought monsters together. Everything was so different then.... Happiness hadn't seemed unobtainable for him. With Zack, he had started to find it again after he had thought he never would. Why ... had everything gone so wrong? Why had he had to lose his mind? Could anything have stopped it? If he hadn't pushed Zack away at that critical time, could Zack have saved him? Or had his fate been sealed the moment Genesis had shattered him at Nibelheim?

He had believed his fate had been sealed from before his birth. But ... it could have been different. If he hadn't lost himself....

If only ... if only ...

So many pointless If Onlys....]

[fairtide]

[Zack makes quick work of the last monster, but he can hear something in the distance, large and coming their way. Does it ever stop? Give him a break. He just wanted to hike a little bit and take in the sights.

He thinks of his thoughts, the different ways Aerith could have died. He knows it had to be by Sephiroth's sword, so he won't ask. It's moot point. He turns to look at Sephiroth, then nods just a little.] I forgive you.

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth braces himself when he hears the something bigger coming. This will probably take both of them to fight it off.

He looks back to Zack with a start, stunned beyond belief, not sure he can believe it. Did he hear right? How could he have?]

... What? ... How? How could you possibly ...

[fairtide]

[Whatever it is, breaks through the trees, they topple over and look like flimsy oaks all of a sudden. It's almost comical. He jumps out the way, tumbling and jumps to his feet, he wishes he had the buster sword but he doesn't. Instead he has a plain broadsword that is long. He swipes at the monster and it roars.

He's still on the conversation they're about to have. He saw the surprise on Sephiroth's face. When he was younger, he didn't easily forgive but he realized after being around Hojo for years? Anyone would go mad.

He decides not to answer his questions, instead he just talks.] What set you off back then? When you burned down the town?

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth leaps back as well, spreading the wing on his back for balance and flight. He swipes at the monster from a higher angle before jumping back down.

It seems ridiculous to hold such a serious conversation while battling, but that isn't new to them either. He remembers times of doing that before, and also with Angeal and Genesis.]

... It ... wasn't just one thing. It was so many.... Realizing how thoroughly I had been abused all through my life ... believing I was a Cetra and they had been betrayed just as I had been ... thinking Jenova was my mother and that she had been mutilated by Shinra's experiments....

[His voice catches at that.]

That was the final straw, really. It's difficult to put into words how I idolized and worshiped my mother all through the years. I envisioned her as the perfect mother, always there for me, always protecting me ... even though in reality, there was no such parent who loved me that much. And I swore my undying loyalty to her.

Genesis drove a sword through my heart with his cruel words when I met him at Nibelheim. Then I read about the experiments that made me ... and I thought Jenova had been tortured for 25 years instead of dying as I'd been told. All of that weight on me ... caused me to snap. And when I did, Jenova used my vulnerability to make it so much worse. She wanted me to snap, to turn against everything. It was what she was good at, causing that to happen with people. And in my madness, I kept my vow of undying loyalty to her ... until I was finally purged of her influence and my insanity right before I ended up here. Only then did I finally see everything clearly. But by then it was too late. I had committed so many abominable sins ... unforgivable sins.

[He slashes at the monster again as it comes for them.]

And I can never forgive myself for any of them.

[To him, it doesn't matter that he was insane. He won't use that as an excuse. He feels he will always be in his own personal Hell with the grief and guilt.]

The only thing I can do now is try to learn how to use my powers and my vast knowledge for good. But it doesn't make up for anything. It doesn't take away anything. I have ... no real hope for redemption and healing for myself.

[He'd had a spark of it as he had tried to recover from the last several months, but felt too shattered from the past meeting with Zack to keep hold of it.]

I know I do not deserve it.

[fairtide]

[He listens and his heart...his heart accepts that it wasn't Sephiroth who was doing those things. It seems hard to accept at first, but it gets easier the longer they battle and conversate.

He'd do anything to see Aerith again, anything, but he knows Sephiroth didn't mean to harm her. He slashes the monster again, jumping out of the way of it's swipe as he slashes up and in, the monster groans but isn't dead, he tumbles forward, rolling between it's legs and coming out on top.] Hey, man. As you keep saying; it wasn't you. You can't hold yourself responsible for anything done under the influence of madness and corruption.

[he pauses a moment, slashing the monster again and then doing a back flip to get out of the way.] Part of me wants to hate you, wants to drive my sword into your bleeding heart and make sure you never live again but that's a very small part. I remember back then, you weren't the same guy, you weren't right in the head. Nothing seemed sane.

[He slashes again. Damn. Why won't this thing die?] You fought me like you didn't even know who I was. You weren't listening to reason, to sanity, nothing. You just... you just wanted to ruin everyone and everything. I doubt you were being yourself.

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth is perplexed; it seems foreign to him.]

It was still me, still my body. I wanted to break free of my chains, to hurt everyone who had hurt me.... But then somehow it expanded to wanting to hurt the entire world. I did try to fight against that ... against her ... but always, I was swallowed up. Where did I end and where did she begin? I still don't know myself.

[He flies up again, continuing to slash at the monster. It's weakening. Hopefully he won't need to use magic attacks; he would rather not, in such dense woods.

It does hurt, to hear Zack say any part of him wants to kill him. But that's only right, only just. He deserves it; he should be dead. And never come back this time. Everyone would be happier without him.

He listens, pondering these words. And it does feel like a bit of the weight is lifted.]

... When I think back on that night, it doesn't feel real. I was so filled with rage and hatred and madness.... I want to say I didn't know who you were ... that Jenova was more in control than I was.... But I don't know if I'm just trying to make myself believe that because the alternative is too much to bear.

[fairtide]

[Zack slashes into the monster's neck, listening to it howl in pain. He feels almost bad except it's a monster. It has to die.

He slashes three times quickly, then turns to Sephiroth as it suddenly gives it and dies right there. It slumps over and blue blood pools underneath it's body.] I'm pretty sure you know the truth, you just don't want an easy way out. It's not an easy way when it's the truth. You probably didn't know who I was that night, or anything. I bet you didn't recognize anyone back then.

[He pauses, walking over to the creature's body and poking it with his sword to see if it's still alive. Nothing comes from it, not even a noise. He sighs a little with relief. It's white fur is matted with blue blood and it's tusks are slashed in half.] The memory doesn't feel real to me either. That was such a long time ago, I feel like it never happened yet I know it did.

[There's a pause as he slides his sword on his back straps, then turns to Sephiroth.] Feeling guilt for the rest of your life probably won't do you any favors or any good, especially when you weren't yourself.

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth can't feel so black-and-white about the monster, especially given that's what he was called even before he lost his mind. If they would mind their own business and not try to harm people, he wouldn't attack them. He doesn't go after the monsters that are being peaceful.]

... That may be true.

[Maybe with time, he can come to see it that way. If only it hadn't ever happened. But it did, and it has to be dealt with.

He looks the monster over as well. They definitely finished it off.]

How do I not feel guilt? I try to go on anyway, but it's always there, sometimes more in the back of my mind, sometimes more prominent. It feels ... wrong to be alive when they're dead.

[fairtide]

... I'm pretty sure that's the truth.

[He places his hands behind his head, stretching out his body and groaning.] Hey, nothing you can do about it now. Like I said you obviously didn't mean it. If I were you, I'd stop dwelling and look toward the future. I know that's hard, but it's for the best.

[He drops his hands, sneezing suddenly.] I hope I'm not getting sick.

[imjustaman]

[Sephiroth smiles faintly. It feels amazing to have Zack on his side again after it seemed that would never again be possible. He has to wonder if this is really real or if this is a new way the demons are torturing everyone, by showing them what they long for as a dream or an illusion. But it has to be real. He's not sure he could take it if it's ripped away from him again.]

Yes.... I've tried to make a future for myself here, one that I had hoped would continue back on Gaia. I suppose we'll see.

[He winces as Zack sneezes.]

I hope not as well. Let's go back to town. I'll drop you off at your residence. Where are you staying?

[fairtide]

[Zack nods, leaning against a tree as he listens to the forest sounds. In the distance, there's several calls from forest animals, then creatures making noises but nothing is heading their way.]

That's the best you can do, I guess.

[He sneezes again, snot flying out of his nostrils.]

Okay, I'm sick. Wonder if I'm sicker here than I was back in Gaia. Soldiers rarely if ever get ill.

[imjustaman]

[It sounds like several happy Pokemon calls too. Sephiroth is pleased that nothing sounds vicious now.

He winces, jumping back from such a sneeze.]

It's hard to say. I hope you didn't catch something from that monster. Some of the creatures here seem to spread strange maladies.

[He mentally memorizes what this beast looks like in case it's important. The sickness seemed to come on awfully fast....]

[fairtide]

[It sounds like chirping to him, if he knew what pokemon were, then he'd know that too.]

What could it have had? [He's not sure where his cold came from but it's here and he'll have to fight it the good old fashioned way.]

Why do those animal calls sound so weird? [he couldn't help asking.]

Anyway, sure. Lead me home. [He tells him where he lives.]

[imjustaman]

I don't know. Maybe nothing.

One of the disturbing things we've been dealing with lately are beings made of flowers that infect others and turn them into flower monsters as well. There have also been wolves that can infect people and turn them into wolves.

[He chuckles.]

The animals are called Pokemon. Many of them are friendly. I have two of them. Then there are others that aren't friendly, unfortunately.

[He starts to guide Zack out of the woods.]

[fairtide]

Ah. Maybe.

That sounds crazy. You mean actual werewolves? Yeesh, that might be kinda cool.

[He hears Eevee over and over again. Words in the vast canopy of sounds.] What the hell is a pokemon?

[He follows Sephiroth from the woods, wishing he had been able to go on a hike. Maybe he'd try again later. He looks at Sephiroth to the side and sighs a little. His childhood hero turned friend seems troubled all the time. He wonders if it'll go on forever. He has a lot to feel guilty for at least, so he gets it.

He tries not to think about Aerith.]

[imjustaman]

Yes, it seems so.

[Sephiroth has to smile fondly in amusement. Of course Zack would find something like that neat.]

They are interesting. A lot of them resemble animals from home. Others are completely bizarre. A coworker of mine has told me several times about being attacked by a living sandcastle.

[He deadpans as he says this.]

Mine look relatively normal compared to that. One resembles a dog and the other, a fox. It's the latter kind you can hear calling in the woods. I could take you to meet mine sometime, if you would like.

[He figures he should just get Zack home now. Although ... will Zack have anyone to look after him if he gets very sick?

... He's really too much of a mother hen. Strange to think about, but true.

He has been a lot more troubled the last several months, although he's been wracked with guilt and grief since first becoming sane. He doubts he will ever completely get over it. But he tentatively hopes that perhaps there can be some healing, for Zack to forgive him.

As they approach the edge of the woods, he abruptly switches forms back to his normal form. His hair turns silver and stops levitating. He's put the wings away now. And he's dressed in his regular clothes instead of in ... whatever it is he was wearing in the Safer form.]

[fairtide]

[Zack was amused. So they could be turned into werewolves and kept something called pokemon as pets. This place was getting more and more interesting as time went on.] I'd like to meet some of them. Are they making that Eevee noise? A living sandcastle?

[He pauses, making it through the trees. He's trying to remember where he lives, he can't be too sure.] You have pets? Awesome! I'd love to meet them at some point, they sound cool.

[He wiped at his nose, it was tickling. He hated being sick. He remembered as a child when he would get sick on school days, he'd be upset because he wanted to go. He guesses this time the sickness isn't keeping him from anything important though.] Is there a hospital here? I don't want to go until It's necessary but I'd like to keep my options open.