April Catch All

[be_seeing_you]

Who: Number 6 & Open
Where: Around town and on the farm
What: Various prompts for April
When: Currently before Flood, might add some for After Flood
Warnings: [cw: Talk about spousal death, illness, grief, depictions of chronic impending fatal illness]

A. Around the farm

Number 6 is finally starting to look the part out here on the farm. He found a pair of dungarees and work boots stowed away in the attic of their home and he's donned them now along with a wide-brimmed sunhat to protect his pale complexion from the worst of the sun's rays. It can only do so much, and as a result, his face has broken out in an explosion of freckles. Despite that and the sunburns, he's happy. His hands are covered in dirt from plowing the soil and his shirt is soaked from the sweaty work of hauling logs and chopping wood. And he hasn't had to lie to a single person or keep a single secret to accomplish his tasks. It's all good, honest labor.

Unfortunately, the work is getting harder on him by the day. At the start of the month, all seems fine enough. But that ring in the shape of a skull jawbone on his finger is slowly but surely sapping that strength away from him. In the middle of pushing a wheelbarrow, he suddenly falls to his knees, out of breath and clammy with sweat so thick his hair is wet beneath his hat. It's fine, he tells himself. Get up. He has more work to do yet. But... maybe he should just rest for a moment, first.

...Just a moment.

B. Now I lay me down to sleep [cw: Be advised, this is directly following Ava's IC death]

He went out to lay beneath the stars with his wife. But now... now he's walking home alone. There's a bundle in his arms. The clothes she left behind. Still warm, but that warmth is fading. Like she faded.

Tears glisten in his eyes but he blinks them back. He has to stay strong. She will be a ghost. She might see. He doesn't want her to have to watch his anguish. Stiff upper lip. It will be all right. They knew the cost of freedom might be high. He let her pay it this time, but the next... and the next...

"I'll find a way," he says under his breath. "We'll stop this."

But, for now, there is nothing he can do but cross the short distance from field to the front door of their home, drift inside and... no, he doesn't think he can sleep tonight. Not alone. He resolves to go to the kettle instead, to brew something hot. He carries it back out to the front porch and sits heavily in one of the wooden rocking chairs. A matched set. Somehow that only makes him feel lonelier, watching the empty chair creak slightly in the breeze. On a night like this, he could use some company.

C. Wildcard Me
Can be next day, ghost shenanigans, etc. Just throw whatever at me, I'm game.

Comments

Re: B

[be_seeing_you]

He spots her approaching but doesn't say anything to deter her. She knows, he assumes. Felt it happen, most likely. That part is easy enough to guess. But why is she here if she knows Ava isn't?

"Coming to pay your respects?"

[redlightgreenlight]

Just as Valdis knew when Ava died, so does she feel the sourness coming off of Peter. She stops just short of their porch, paws square, head held high as she fights the urge to curl her lips back.

No, actually. I came to check on you.

[be_seeing_you]

Surprise is what she'll feel now. Check on him? He can't help but think it's still for Ava's sake.

"I'm doing as well as one can be, I suppose. I would be considerably worse if not for knowing this is not the final end."

CW: Mention of Child loss

[redlightgreenlight]

He's mostly right in that she's doing it for Ava, but she also knows how it feels to lose a spouse, even if she's only ever had one. To have someone who knows the truth and all the circumstances surrounding it...well, perhaps he can accept comfort from such a person.

Don't lie. Final end or not, I know you held her in your arms as she died. That is painful, perhaps more painful than anything else one can feel.

The only thing she might consider worse is the loss of a child.

[be_seeing_you]

"It's not a lie."

But Valdis is correct. He can try to tell himself that it wasn't the same as watching his entire world end in front of him, but that really is a lie. He held her, his wife, his love, until there was nothing left to hold. He could not even weep over her remains, because there simply were none.

"We have both watched the other die, held each other as it happened. It won't ever become easier. I dread any day where it stops hurting."

[redlightgreenlight]

You have great misfortune in your choice to love, and yet neither of you have any regrets for the suffering. I wonder if you would chose the same if it was the final end.

If there's one thing she is certain of, it's that they would choose each other again and again. In every world they meet, in every lifetime they had. Just like her and Max. Yet, there was always that chance that this is the only world they would find each other in. After all, Malachi had not seen fit to find her again.

Have you spoken with the goddesses? Much as I loathe them, I cannot help her and maybe they can.

[be_seeing_you]

A weary sigh seeps out of him. "Love doesn't wait for convenient timing. And, yes, I would give my life for her, even if it was permanent. I would regret nothing because I never imagined I would be so lucky as to find someone to love in the first place." Any time he's had is more than he ever expected.

"No, I haven't spoken with them since the day I arrived. But, as I'm sure you've already surmised, I have spoken with a demon. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps one of them could be persuaded."

[redlightgreenlight]

Valdis sits, still watching him, still feeling his pain over Ava. It's a familiar pain, except he had not lost control and gone on a rampage, but then again, Ava would be coming back.

I dislike both demons and gods, but I have suffered more at the hands of one than the other. If you want an actual answer, speak with the goddesses. Even if they have no answer, they can at least offer guidance.

As for his other statement.

I doubt the deal you made with the demon was fair, but you were foolish enough to take it anyway, because she is your weakness.

Just as Max was hers.

[be_seeing_you]

"It is good counsel you bring me. I will do as you suggest, but not tonight." Obviously, not tonight.

"Yes, she is my weakness because I will let myself be exploited if it will help her. But, she is my source of strength, for I never would have survived all the trials I have faced without her at my side. Such is the duality of love."

[redlightgreenlight]

I know how much she loves you, but perhaps you can help me understand something that seems to invade so much of the society in which I come from. I have never understood it, and perhaps I never can, but you may have an answer.

The wolf shakes itself and Valdis takes a moment to let Peter contemplate what her question might be.

It is said that there is no greater love than to lay down your life for those you love, but this seems silly to me. Wouldn't your loved ones prefer you lived?

[be_seeing_you]

That introduction hardly narrows down the list, but, he'll try his best to answer her, whatever the question is.

And, it is a tough one, isn't it?

"Of course, they would rather their loved one lives. Ideally, one wouldn't lay down their life if there was an alternative. But the thought of our most beloved dying, and that we might have to go on without them, can be so terrible that we might rather die ourselves and think it's a kindness or worthy sacrifice. I would think you'd know that mortals are rarely governed by logic when it comes to matters of the heart."

[redlightgreenlight]

She tries not to be insulted by the implication of the words, he likely didn't mean to insult her intelligence, and Ava would want her to give him extra grace during this time. She snorts and shakes herself, releasing the tension building in her chest.

As a being guided mainly by logic and trying to learn more about the heart, I think it's a fairly normal question to ask.

[be_seeing_you]

This time, the insult truly was not meant. He's too much in the throes of his grief to consider his words carefully, for good or for ill. He realizes his mistake when she answers the way she does.

"I worry it will frustrate you." He means that earnestly. "There is no single explanation. My own actions are motivated by logic and morals that could differ greatly from the next person you ask. In my case, it was my duty to lay my life down in the preservation of another. It was something I always expected might be asked of me. Therefore, I have been more prepared than most to meet that fate."

[redlightgreenlight]

I've never been one for duty, perhaps that is why we don't get along.

Her morals also differ greatly from most humans, but that can't be helped as she isn't one and her experiences will never allow true understanding. Much as she may wish different, it's probably too late to change now.

But we both love Ava, albeit in different ways.

[be_seeing_you]

"Have you never been a soldier?" He asks in earnest, because she always had a soldier's air about her, or something that seems close to it.

"Yes. Of course, I do not doubt that you care deeply for her as a friend. Though, I think the last conversation the two of you had may require some smoothing over. Ava returned home very upset."

[redlightgreenlight]

I have never fought for a reason that was not my own. She replies. I am the cause and creator of war, the apocalypse of man until the pack was sealed away. Therefore I have no right to compare myself to those who entered a fight for what they saw as justice or for loyalty to their homeland.

As for her fight with Ava, Valdis feels Peter will understand her feelings no better than Ava, so she will dodge that line of conversation.

[be_seeing_you]

"MM. Maybe you never will understand. But I was not as naive as you might think--not after a time. There's a reason I resigned from my position despite being at the top of my field." That reason, he will say no more on, but he's sure she could wager some close guesses. 

"And do not think I haven't noticed you dodging my question. If you don't want to explain yourself, say so." 

[redlightgreenlight]

Her lip twitches.

You humans are always accusing me of not understanding, but few, if any, of you ever care to see my point of view, as if my thoughts, feelings and experiences, long as they are, don't matter. You all take and take and take, benefitting from my empathy and nature until I stand my ground. Then I am the problem.

[be_seeing_you]

Number 6's eyes go a little wide and he freezes in place. But, after a thoughtful moment, he relaxes and nods slowly.

"I am sorry for making you feel this way. I would like to know more of your thoughts and experiences. I did not think you wanted to share them with me."

[redlightgreenlight]

Valdis' emerald gaze glimmers from partly closed eyes as she chews on his reaction. She's not sure what she expected, but probably for him to get defensive or to argue, not an offer to listen or a genuine desire to understand. But perhaps he is the only one who can truly listen...

When I arrived on the Eterna, I was a shell of my years. Every day on that ship new memories of my past would arrive in nightmare after nightmare. To recover your history while trying to survive in a place designed to make you and everyone around you suffer without losing your mind...I don't think very many could do it. Reconciling my many pasts...it was confusing, and painful, but I had to worry about all of you, every single moment. Your feelings. Your needs. Because if I didn't, I would only feel more pain.

[be_seeing_you]

"No. It would take someone of great strength in spirit to do that." He means this to be a compliment to her. He also means it as an attempt to try to relate to her, because they have that in common, he'd venture to say.

"It must have been a particular kind of hell for you to bear not only your own suffering but all of ours as well. And to be unable to do anything to stop it. That's why you made the suggestion you did to Ava, isn't it? You wanted to, at last, be able to do something about it?"

[redlightgreenlight]

Great strength of spirit. Yes. Though she remembers the pain and how crushed her spirit had actually been. She'd seen no point in fighting back, had bowed her head in hopes of relieving the pain. Had sacrificed her pride and sense of self...No more.

It's why I chose to fight in the Village, and why I choose to fight now. I am far too powerful and proud to ever allow such things to happen again. Ava refused to listen. It was always her choice, but she would not even entertain an alternative.

Like Ava hadn't even broken free of the Eterna the way the rest of them had. Her stability had gone, her pain increased, and yet she refused to try something else.

[be_seeing_you]

"If I may speak on her behalf, just for a moment?" He's going to, regardless. "Your offer was a kindness, she does know that, however, it butted up against her own fragile pride and sense of self-agency. She didn't mean to hurt you by rejecting and she knows you didn't mean to hurt her by offering. But this was something she felt she needed to face on her own terms."

He sighs and then pulls the cursed ring from his pocket to show Valdis. It's tooled like the lower jawbone of a skeleton set on a thick silver band. "There was another reason, as well. Next month, I will be the one to carry that burden of suffering, and we needed to know how long it would last, and what to expect."

[redlightgreenlight]

Valdis huffs.

As an old dog who has learned new tricks, one of which was to rely on others, I would hope Ava could also learn.

When he pulls out the ring, she rises and moves closer to examine it. Her hackles rise, but no growl forms in her throat.

That ring will only bring you both suffering, but better you than her.

[ooc: Way to say what you really feel, Valdis.]

[be_seeing_you]

"She is still learning. Try to give her some more time. She was reliant on her keepers for all of her young life. She needs a chance to branch out."

He chuffs softly in amusement. At least he always knows where he stands with her.

"On that we agree, but the current arrangement is to take turns. When I wear this, her illness becomes mine. If I remove it, the affliction returns to her."