(closed.) i could live to be a hurricane

[abhorrently]

Who: Fever Dream (abhorrently) & Dmitri Katina (gooddefense)
What: Answering a lot of unaddressed questions
When: Pumpkinfest
Where: Northwest Hollow
Warning(s): Probably a lot of talk about past mass murder, cults, and general self-negativity. See headers.

She doesn't take the Vespa. She walks this time, lets the extended time by herself turn into the horrible headache inducing spiral it likes to. It's not as loud since talking to Dahlia, and recent developments have brought her hope, but she remembers the last time she had to confess things like this to someone, and there's no reason to think it'll be different. Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has things too precious to leave to chance. And the chance that she could be manipulated and forced into that corner - and that she knows she'd like it - is probably too high. Not with Theta around, not with Natasha, not with the people he loves.

She swears, though - if he tries to say he's just as bad, or can't take it seriously, she's going to walk out. Never again. Never again is she going to smile and keep it to herself if someone can't try and wrap their heads around this being not normal.

Honestly, she kind of hopes he reacts poorly. It'd feel appropriate.

Everyone else should be at Pumpkinfest right now. No one to judge him for feeling what he does. And a promise that he wouldn't hide it from her.

Knock knock, and she manages a neutral kind of smile - the sort that fools those who don't know her at all.

Comments

[gooddefense]

Dmitri answers the door in short order, smiling back. His, as usual, is cheerful, failing to betray a slight anxiety. He promised an honest reaction, but he won't make this an uphill battle with his racing thoughts. Not one that Fever has to fight, anyway. It's not like he knows anything, it's just.

How do you not be a little afraid of the unknown?

"Hey you! Ready to head out?"

[abhorrently]

"Whenever you are. I didn't really have a destination in mind apart from getting to be with you, so we can head pretty much anywhere."

As long as it's away from Pumpkinfest and the heart of town.

[gooddefense]

"There's a nice trail in the woods that I like," North says, waving her towards it. The opposite way of the festival. "...You got any particular place you wanna start?"

[abhorrently]

"Really, I was kind of expecting you to show up with a list of questions so I could just answer them one by one."

It's a weak joke, but as they go towards the trail, she takes a breath.

"What questions are burning in your head? What do you want completely honest answers to? The amnesia might make a few of them tricky, but I'll do my best to work around it - I'm having a smarter day, actually."

[gooddefense]

"I guess... I just don't know where to start," Dmitri admits, shoving his hands in his pocket. Brows furrow thoughtfully as North tries to decide exactly what he wants to know. "What... exactly have you been holding onto? Every time I try to get you to be more open with me, or tell you I think you're a good friend, I see you chewing on it and trying to swallow it again."

[abhorrently]

She's quiet for a moment, and it almost seems like she's about to fold inwards and back out. But her hand comes up to fiddle with her locket like a touchstone, and she swallows hard.

"...there's no easy way to say it, so I'm going to just say it. You seem to have this idea that I'm a good person, and I really, really am not. Just because I've been recently behaving doesn't make that true. It just means I'm behaving in a place where I can't get away with anything."

Honestly, she'd argue even against the person side of things, but she's trying to not fall too far into one of her usual abysses before they get too far into this.

"I say I don't really remember anything of my past. But the truth is, I remember some. Bits and pieces, and every one of them is something you'd be sickened to know occurred. Every memory I recover is something that any sane person would recoil from. I can string things together, and I've been told enough and I've felt enough to know that none of it is lies. The life I've lived, what I've done, the purpose of my entire existence - all of it together..." She shakes her head a little. "I know you've seen war. I know a lot of us have done things we're not proud of. But I'm from the depths of such things, and I know myself enough to know I could do it all again."

Kindly Mothers, she knows she's being vague about this. Just give her room to push through her own barriers. It's like having to push a boulder out of the way, one agonizing step at a time.

[gooddefense]

"...Okay," he says slowly, not sure what to make of all the preamble. For someone who says she's 'just going to say it,' she did a lot of talking that didn't tell him much.

She's trying to scare him. He wonders if what she actually tells him will warrant all the danger signs she's throwing out. Impossible to say, with the information he has about her, which is admittedly scant. He knows plenty about who Fever is now— her favorite foods, which flowers she looks at longer than others, the weather she enjoys, how to tell if she's particularly happy with how her eyeliner turned out that day. But his knowledge of who she was before he met her, even during her time on Pumpkin Hollow, is lacking. God, he feels as though barely knows what goes on in her life when he isn't with her, even now. She's always so concerned with everyone else.

"Listen, Fever... I can't even begin to imagine what kind of life you had before you came here. I haven't even got a hint, aside from you saying it's bad. I know your heart's heavy with it. I can see how you carry it. But that's all I know, and I won't pretend I can promise you it isn't as bad as you're thinking," Dmitri says gently. "But I know who I see now. And I know myself. I know I'm a patient person. An understanding, flexible, forgiving person. There's— There's a lot I'm willing to make peace with for people who matter to me. And I think if you gave me a chance— I don't know. I won't lie and say that I know. But I believe that it'll be okay."