ph_logs | will i ever hear your voice again, the darkness is like an old friend...(OPEN)

Who: John Rambo and you!
What: John NOT at Merrymeet--shortly after returning, John discovered his partner, Siebren, was gone, and fresh wounds have been open ever since.
When: During/evening of or after Merrymeet for attendees who want to visit after the event
Where: Baker Ranch
Warning(s): canon typical warnings (PTSD, gun violence, death, etc.), touch starvation

John is grateful to be back, to be home. He's grateful that he is, in fact, still in fact at home. That losing again didn't change that.

That he still feels safe here.

John's currently in the middle of nowhere...sort of. He's a few dozen yards from the house and the workshop, sitting in the grass, watching Co and Bao mill about the grass and wishing he smoked. Or drank any significant amount, drinking might help take the edge off...

He's been a homebody almost since he returned. He can't help it, there's too many memories everywhere he goes, and even Merrymeet--fuck, he'd been looking forward to making some new ones there to heal old wounds, especially as rough as the holidays had been--is too much for him so he stays home.

A year ago, he started losing Sam there. This year, he thought he could salve that ache with some new memories. Dance with Laios and Dahlia, dance with the new Flower Queen...maybe he could even manage to enjoy the food with--

"Siebren."

He breathes the name sharply, sudden, an exhalation after being punched in the stomach. It hurts, losing him. Loving him wasn't just good for John, wasn't just a fresh source of joy, loving him felt good. Sure, love's great, but Siebren? He never looked at him as anything less than an equal in all things. Even intellectually, when in that John couldn't hold a candle to his brilliant, beautiful mind. He fought so hard to protect John from himself, saw so much good in him he walked into a personal darkness he feared to protect him.

Siebren loved him in a way few people ever had, and John loved--loves him--in a way he's afraid he'll never find again. All the hope his affection for Co Bao presented, all the fragile and precious purity he found in falling for Laios, with nuance and an understanding of personal darkness existing between them that made John realize just how good this strange and wonderful foray into having multiple partners was for him.

Now, that's gone--and he swore he'd tear the whole damn universe apart to get him back. To find him, no matter where he might be. It's a promise he will keep--but it's a promise he can't keep the way he wants to, which is fucking now. To hold him again, kiss that perfect, prominent nose and those cheekbones, to feel the weight of his power and the safety of being held by him again.

Today, with Merrymeet happening and a relatively empty house...it's too much. The bed he made love to Siebren in, the house he floated around in when he visited, the porch where he caught Siebren sneaking candy into everyone's shoes the day he confessed to loving him for the first time.

John had to leave, to walk until he couldn't find a memory of Siebren in the empty stretch of land.

Now, it's here he sits, keeping Co and Bao close, staring into the middle distance--and just tries not to think at all.

Not of Sam, who he lost last year. Not of Siebren, who he lost this year--and not of his beloved demon genius who risked losing him to save him.

He just tries...not to think. Not to remember.

Not to wish he could forget.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Kind, but firm: "Hey, c'mon, no, don't be like that."

Before he grabs his own mug, Radar scoops up TJ -- a full sized Dachsbun by now -- and deposits him in John's lap. The bread-dog immediately gets to work making himself comfortable, sprawling to take up as much space as possible as he hooks his chin over John's knee.

"I'm okay now. And I wouldn't want you being sadder than you already are. It's bad enough what happened with Dr. de Kuiper without Efrain's demons makin' it worse." Quieter, he adds, "I'm so sorry."

On his other side, Treble leans her shoulder against Radar's with a soft, piping clef.

Before John can complain, he's got a lapful of warm, wriggly bread-dog, and within moments he's flopped himself into place with his chin planted, and all John can do is rub his head with a wry smile.

Two things you can't out-stubborn: a comfy pup, and Radar O'Reilly.

"Thanks, but honestly...I'm not even sure I should be surprised, regarding S--Dr. de Kuiper." he replies softly, staring down at TJ as Bao hops over to sniff at the dog, then clambers into his lap to join TJ for a snuggle.

"Might be family's all I'm supposed to have. Wanting more, just--setting myself up for punishment. S' why you should be at Merrymeet with Dahl. You, her, rest of the entourage, you got a good thing, and you're good for each other. I'm...I'll be okay."

Eventually. He's clearly not supposed to be with anyone. He's got Laios, but for how long? How long before they're separated, too?

How long before John's duties, John's loyalties, John's needs make him break another promise like he made to Siebren? How long before he hurts Laios like he did Sam?

How long is John going to try to be happy when it's just his lot to end up alone?

"You still got Laios," he points out, just as quiet. (He didn't even have to overhear John's thoughts for that one!) "I can't see a guy like that saying he doesn't wanna see you any more. And even if people just up and leave 'cause of the ferry sometimes I can't see him going without saying goodbye first, neither."

He's sure Laios would try not to go. He'd wait as long as he could, like Trapper did before he got on that flight home while Hawkeye was away. Make sure somebody knew he wasn't just walking away.

Radar gathers Nibbles into one arm and readjusts his grip on his cocoa. He sighs. "I... gee, I dunno. I always kinda hated it when I got dumped or a girl turned me down and people'd say it was no big deal 'cause I still had all my friends. It's a different kind of alone when you got people but you ain't got a person. I know. So... I'm not gonna say you still got us like it's all the same."

Gently, he nudges John.

"But you do got us. Even if it's different."

Radar gets it--he gets it, and he understands what it is John is mourning--what it is he's starting to think that, maybe, he shouldn't have.

That maybe he was right all along, and just wanting to have even one person is too much for him to ask.

But, again: Radar gets it. That his family, it's not the same...but having someone know what's really hurting, seeing the splinter in his soul even if he can't just pluck it out? Knowing he's not crazy or overreacting about the pain...

John drapes an arm around Radar's shoulders and drags him close in a clumsy hug, just pressing his face to the top of his head for a second.

"I know." he whispers against his hat, giving him an affectionate little jostle. "I do...you're right, s' not the same, but it's the only reason I feel like I can breathe through it. So thank you."

He leans into the hug without hesitation. "You're welcome, sir. John."

It only took close to a year, but he's finally starting to call him John sometimes!

"You want me to tell Laios he oughta come see you too?"

Hearing his name from Radar makes him smile. He can't help it, that really is a little victory--and a nice little sign that it's...real. That he's home, that Radar's not just part of the gang, but he sees John as family just as much as John sees ihm.

The question gives him pause, though, because...yeah, everything in him is screaming for Laios, for Max, for someone to get rid of this aching void in his chest. Something to do that isn't breaking something in frustration because he can't go chasing down the man he loves.

...and yet that gnawing doubt stops him.

You're wrong to want it. You're wrong to need it. You're not supposed to have it.

John's mouth opens and closes several times...but he can't make himself reply.

Which, in and of itself, is an answer in the affirmative: John may not want Radar to tell Laios to come by, but he clearly needs him to.

The maelstrom of John's heartbreak roars louder, a thunderous spin of emotion, splinters of pain cracking free to whip past his ears. Radar sits in its eye, silent, and just listens.

"Okay," he murmurs at last. He leans more comfortably against John's shoulder. "I'll tell him."

Of course he hears it. He always hears it, he always knows--and for all the shit that crawls around in Radar's head without him ever asking for it, he just keeps loving people anyway. Little soldier always defaults to love, to kindness, to being gentle.

It occurs to John, in that moment, that he's a tougher motherfucker than the whole of Special Forces put together.

With a watery smile, John kisses the top of Radar's head and follows suit, stroking the loafy dog in his lap and watching Co chase down some bug in the distance.

Thanks, Radar. he thinks quietly, and out loud he says...

"Love you, bud."

will i ever hear your voice again, the darkness is like an old friend...(OPEN)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject