[ October Event ] The Black Stag Casino

[pumpkinhollow]

**Plain text version here. [Pending - pardon the delay! Plain text version will be created and added within the next 48 hours.]

THE BLACK STAG CASINO

THE LODGE

{ CONTENT WARNINGS: Mild unreality, lapses in memory }

Wake-Up Call

You wake on the morning of October 26th in the most comfortable bed you have ever laid in. Regardless of what accommodations you’ve been used to in the past, no matter how lavish, you cannot remember the last time you felt so perfectly cradled by a mattress or slept at such a perfect temperature. You wake to the sound of a pleasant little chiming sound, repeated over and over until you address it.

You sit up and realize you don’t know where you are.

It’s not that you don’t remember coming here--- in fact, you very much do. Though the action itself is a bit of a haze, you can recall being approached by a stunning woman dressed in all black, with a wide-brimmed hat that had long tassels which concealed most of her face. She handed you a beautifully printed invitation, though you can’t recall the text, just the image of golden antlers and blue flowers on black paper. Then you went home, packed a bag of your things--- clothes, personal items, toiletries, medications, money, things you might need on vacation--- and then when you opened your door, you were standing in a forest. You recall following lights in the distance until you reached a large, ornate wooden door and then---

Well, now you’re here. In a beautiful hotel room decorated in lavish navy and black decor, possibly with others, and there is a ringing sound.

When someone answers it, despite the advent of the speakerphone having yet to occur, the golden handset phone on the desk can be heard at a pleasant volume which everyone in the room can hear. A woman’s voice speaks.

“Welcome to the Black Stag Casino and Lodge!” she says. “This is the wake-up call you ordered when you checked in last night. Just a reminder--- you are visiting us with an all-inclusive package from now until November 4th! All food services and amenities are free with unlimited use, all entertainment is included at no additional cost, a no-cost service to take care of your affairs at home has been added for you, and you will be receiving 50 free casino chips when you visit! The only things that have a cost to them are the shopping areas and additional chips. Check-out starts at 11am on the 4th, and not a moment sooner! If you have any questions, please see our front desk, open 24/7. Also, please be aware that all interpersonal violence is physically impossible outside of the arena, and no weapons are permitted inside the lodge. Enjoy your stay!”

And enjoy it you must, it would seem. When you look out your windows, you will see the misty pine forest sprawling out endlessly in every direction as far as the eye can see. While you’ll have an opportunity to verify it later should you choose to, you likely already have a sense that there is no way to leave. But at least there seems to be plenty of ways to make the best of things. Time to take a look around?

Amenities

The Black Stag Casino’s lodge is well-outfitted with only the most indulgent of luxuries; the beds are just a start! Each room has a pair of enormous king-sized beds with plush bedding and always the exact right amount of pillows. Rooms can each house between 1 and 4 people. (Please feel free to check out and add yourself to the room assignment chart as you see fit. It should be noted that only those chosen by Dahlia Leeds or Prince Aster are permitted to stay in the VIP suites.)

The bathrooms are equally luxurious, each with remarkably advanced independent plumbing, full-sized bottles of shampoo, fluffy towels and even monogrammed black bathrobes customized to each guest. A handy card informs you that you can even keep the robe when you leave, which is wild.

Each room also has a balcony overlooking the expansive lodge grounds and surrounding forest. The views are eerie, but beautiful in their way.

And of course, each room has several copies of a map of the resort, showing the locations of its underground shopping promenade, numerous performance stages, always-open front desk, lavish spa, buffet, restaurants, bars, and expansive casino floor. There’s also something out behind the lodge called the “arena,” though its purpose is unclear just from the map.

Finally, you will also find a phone number and impressive menu for room service, whose prices have been concealed. A card is attached reminding you that anything you ordered is included in your package. Truly, all expenses are paid. If this place were not clearly the work of a demon, it might be a dream vacation. But considering that anyone in the know could easily clock this as the work of a demon representing indulgence and consumption, the message is clear.

Still, perhaps it can’t hurt to enjoy it a little bit. You are trapped here for a while, after all.

THE CASINO

{ CONTENT WARNINGS: Gambling, violence, potential character death }

Game Tables

The first thing you’ll see if you enter the casino floor is, of course, a wide array of game tables run by dealers both humanoid and monstrous. However, the vast majority of dealers appear to be… the exact same woman. Specifically, a woman in a tight black dress and long black gloves, wearing a wide-brimmed hat with tassels that conceal most of her face. They each wear a gold name tag just below the plunging neckline of their dresses, and each and every one of them reads “Daphne.” (On rare occasions, the observant watcher may be able to catch one of these women phasing into a pair of mirrored copies, indicating that these are all very literally the same person.)

The games are all fairly standard casino fare. Betting is simple--- if you win, your bet is doubled. If you lose, your bet is forfeit.

Casino Rules

Each guest starts with 50 free chips and is responsible for keeping track of them on their own. Chips cannot be used for anything outside of the casino and must be redeemed at the prize counter. More chips may be purchased with Brass at a rate of 50 chips for 200 Brass. Chips cannot be redeemed for Brass once purchased and cannot be transferred or pooled between guests. Chips are not transferable between players.

A guest may bet as much as they’d like on each game, which does not have to occur within a thread (although some should, because that’s what we’re here for!) and can play until they run out of chips or wish to stop. Each game will use dice rolls (or a roulette wheel) to determine winnings, which means that all casino games rely entirely on chance to win. You are on your honor not to fudge results! We have four casino games that we have simplified for text-based RP:

Blackjack

Roll a D10. Rolls 2-9 are number cards of any suit. A roll of 10 can be a 10 number card or any face card (Jack, Queen, King) valued at 10. A roll of 1 represents an Ace, which can be valued at either 1 or 11, per the player’s preference. After the first roll, players can decide if they wish to “hit” (roll again and add the value of the additional roll to their previous) or “stand” (abstain and stick with their current value), with a goal of getting to a total of 21 or as close as possible without going over.

Players may continue to roll until they either decide to stand, or until they “bust” (exceed 21). A dealer will roll against them, which the player can either roll themselves OOCly on behalf of the dealer or recruit another player to roll for. Whoever gets closest to 21 without busting is the winner. Players who are able to “get Blackjack” by rolling to 21 exactly get triple their bet!

Craps

Actual Craps is somewhat complex and not conducive to RP, so this is an extremely simplified version. Roll 2D6. This value will determine the “point” for that round. From there, you will have 7 rolls to attempt to roll the exact same value. If you fail to do so within 7 rolls, you lose and your bet is taken by the house. If you manage to roll the point, you win. If you at any point roll “snake eyes” (a pair of 1s), you automatically lose, unless it is the first roll to determine the point, in which case you may roll again.

Poker

Due to the numerous steps in Poker and the fact that it is meant to be played with the other people at the table as opposed to the dealer, most of a Poker game will be done ICly or handwaved.

Poker requires a minimum of 2 or a maximum of 5 guests and D20s. Place bets to enter, roll your D20 once, then keep the number to yourself. Based on your roll, determine whether you wish to “call” (double your existing bet for the opportunity to win) or “fold” (forfeit). Players who folded will not be eligible to win. All players who called will then reveal the number they rolled on the d20. The one who rolled the highest wins. Rather than doubling their own bet, however, the winner receives all money bet by other players, including those that folded.

Roulette

The Black Stag Casino, like most casinos, has a roulette wheel in the center of the room. However, when you approach, you see that it is not like a traditional roulette wheel.

Instead, all the tiles that should be red are blue, and marked with gold lettering that reads “WIN!” and the black tiles all have gold text on them that reads… well, each one is something different.

The rules are simple. Place a bet of your liking and spin the wheel. If you land on a “WIN” tile, then your chips are doubled as usual. If you land on any other tile, you are subject to the effect of that tile. You may interpret it however feels right to you, and one of these effects even supersedes the “no violence” rule! SPIN HERE!

Most Dangerous Game

On the far wall of the casino from the main door, you can see an exit onto a large balcony with seating overlooking what appears to be an enclosed area of the forest, marked as the “arena” on your map. Beside the doors, you can also see a bookie working at a betting counter. Above the counter, you can see the name of the game, which is simply listed in a stark font as “PREY”.

Additionally, you can occasionally hear a crackling audio that sounds a bit like an old intercom making announcements asking that various people (usually two names, sometimes more) to report to the arena booking counter. There are times listed for “matches” on the wall with people’s names listed, and you can place bets on each “match.” The bookie doesn’t care much to tell you what the premise of the game is, just that he’s the one you can sign up to play with if you want to participate, and that there’s a pretty significant windfall for winning.

- HOW TO PLAY -

- PREY -

Any Pumpkin Hollow resident can play the game in the role of Prey, either by deliberately signing up or by ICly “drafted” to play against their will. (OOCly players would still be volunteering their characters, it’s just an opportunity for you to force them to play if they might not want to.) ICly, the Predator that they are matched with is chosen by Aster with the aim of being an interesting and well-matched fight, though the Predator does get some input. (Again, OOCly this is decided by players entirely.)

Prey are entitled to any weapons or tools they request, but have no input on the environment. Their goal is to escape, incapacitate, or kill their Predator. There will be at least one escape route per arena layout whose location and escape conditions are determined by the Predator. The winner is determined by a combination of dice rolls and player communication.

Prey who win their match-ups will receive a significant prize--- a flat prize of 200 chips, plus 50% of all bets made against them. (Bets from NPC demons will be determined on a D100 and PC bets will be added in after, if there are any.) Prey who lose get 50% of all bets made in their favor, but are dead by normal Pumpkin Hollow rules for the rest of the day. No death certificate is needed for deaths occurring in PREY. Sending Stones do not function inside the arena. No other guests may enter the arena, even as ghosts.

In the PREY Betting thread below, it is the Prey’s responsibility to set up a top-level for their match-ups betting pool. This is done by simply replying to the betting thread with the names of the Prey and Predator as the comment’s title. (ex. [Prey name] vs. [Predator name])

- PREDATORS -

Predators are VIP guests specifically brought in by Aster for this purpose, who signed up to participate via a special character claim. No more can be added. Their goal is simple: to kill their prey, by any means necessary. Predators are given some leeway on who is chosen as their prey and are provided with any weapons or tools they desire. They are also allowed to have the arena magically modified to their liking. However, they cannot modify their environment during the match unless that is specifically one of their existing powers, and they must install at least one escape method into their arena. Predators who die are only dead for a few hours before Aster sets them right, and they are not rewarded or penalized for winning, as they are already being rewarded just for being here by Aster (who has promised them each some sort of wish) and are simply here to work.

The Predators available to play against are below the cut. The Predator is responsible for the starters for their match-ups in the PREY thread below so that they can set up their arena, unless otherwise discussed.

Predator Options

Acrid || Risk of Rain
Nama/Anri || acrid_rain

Allyin Kailius || Original Character
Yarrow || allyin

The Butcher || Malevolent
Meghan || sometimesfortissimo

Brooke Augustine || InFamous: Second Son
QV || helltopave

Chase Collins || The Covenant
Dee || bastardofipswich

Dahlia Leeds || Pumpkin Hollow
Rose || thethirteenthchild

David Xanatos || Gargoyles
Batya || still_got_the_edge

Fenrir || Original Character
Kalineh || odinsbane

FUTURE || SAYER
GladHatter || for_humanitys_future

The Goose || Untitled Goose Game
Jesse || a_anser_horribilis

Hol Horse || JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Sentis || emperorcard

Itazura Unmei || Final Fantasy XIV
constellation || bloodyscalesemptyheart

Jack Spicer || Xiaolin Showdown
Kai || howiruletheworld

Julia Montauk & Trevor Herbert || The Magnus Archives
Blue || tapetumlucidum

Leshy || Inscryption
Harvey || scrybeofbeasts

Mary || Identity V
Mira || predation

Max Jagerman || Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Rose || whowillprayforyou

Ned Low || Our Flag Means Death
Rin || forthelulz

Nikola Orsinov || The Magnus Archives
Rose || dancetheworldnew

King Oberon & Puck/Robin Goodfellow || Folklore
Guildenstern & Bash || oberlord & tailorcries

Spamton G. Spamton || Deltarune
Harvey || nowsyourchance

- SPECTATING & BETTING -

In order to bet, please make a comment in the appropriate betting thread stating which character is placing the bet, how many chips they are betting, and who they are betting on to win the match. Please do not use meta knowledge to influence your bets. If you bet correctly, your bet will be doubled as usual.

To spectate a match, grab a seat on the balcony overlooking the arena! The arena may be enclosed or have scenery that blocks the view, but not to worry--- two large magical screens will be tracking both the Predator and the Prey. You cannot communicate with anyone inside the arena.

Prize Counters

When you’ve earned enough chips, there are some exceptional prizes available at the prize counter! Choose from any of the following options:

Cheap Souvenir - 50 Chips
Some kind of weird junk. Can be nearly anything you like, within reason. Fuzzy blue dice, a bag of weird candy, a poorly made trophy, a Black Stag Casino branded pen, or a very ugly stuffed animal are all great options.

Bottle of Generous Garlic Powder OR Vanilla Extract - 100 Chips
A small bottle containing seemingly infinite high quality garlic powder for cooking or vanilla extract for baking, one or the other (you can get both but you must buy each separately). Not for the faint of heart, as in order for the bottle to retain its endless quality, you must always use its contents to excess each time you cook with them. If you follow the recipe, you will find them empty the next time you reach for the bottle.

Decanter of Endless Spirits - 200 Chips
A stunning crystal decanter that will contain an endless supply of an alcoholic beverage of the pourer’s choice. It is always of the finest quality. Be warned that those who drink from it will feel a slight temptation to overindulge.

Deerbone Dice - 300 Chips
A pair of 6-sided gambling dice made of deer bone, with the dots inlaid with gold. They feel very lucky. Anyone who owns these could add +3 to the result of any dice rolls they perform in any context for the duration of the game.

Silvertongue Amulet - 400 Chips
The wearer of this silver pendant would find themselves permanently more persuasive whenever wearing it, and would find it easier to get people to do things for them or give them information. It works even on the most powerful supernatural creatures, though the success may vary on demons, elder gods, or goddesses somewhat.

Infernal Service - 500 Chips
A ticket promising the services of one infernal servant under Aster, for any task that does not directly conflict with Aster’s interest in a non-negotiable way. Which Infernal Servant will be at Aster’s discretion and dependent upon availability.

Unholy Talisman - 700 Chips
A protective ward in an array of designs that will allow the wearer to resist the influence or workings of Nyarlathotep. Would only help with non-physical/mental effects, physical damage would not be preventable.

Fallen Angel Investor - 1000 Chips
A certificate indicating that Aster will personally fund an Entrepreneur career, paying for you to open a business of your choice. The funded business will automatically be a Level 3 business and there are absolutely no catches aside from Aster being a little nosy about how numbers are.

THE EXTRAS

{ CONTENT WARNINGS: Potential for overeating, heavy alcohol use, mental manipulation }

Food & Drink

Considering it's Aster’s specialty, you know that the food has to be good. And the staff is more than willing to identify everything in the food! It’s not human, they promise. (For once it’s genuinely not. Besides, lying was Mendel’s game. The Dark Feast prefers to skirt around the truth instead.)

There are two main places to eat. The first is a high end, luxurious restaurant with rich and well-made food, some of which is unique and a bit experimental. It’s the finest money can buy, and it’s all yours for free. A great place for a date! Never tried caviar? You can get it here.

The second is a buffet. The food here is also fantastic, though with significantly less bells and whistles. It’s all hot, fresh, and widely varied, and it’s never empty.

Additionally, there is also a stunning bar, whose bar-top is carved from dark wood and whose decor incites a close, intimate feel. There is a VIP room that intends to be specifically for Aster’s guests, the Predators and his family members, though others can join them if invited.

It’s worth noting that each of these places make it fairly challenging to stop consuming, and time seems to pass strangely in them, becoming easily lost. It takes a bit of willpower to leave them, and ordering room service doesn’t seem to really circumvent this problem, as you’re still left wanting more once you’re finished. However, the effect seems fairly mild--- except in the buffet. It is extremely easy to get trapped in the buffet, overindulging in the food there and losing hours and hours of time, and once you go the first time, you feel compelled to go back each time you get hungry. Overconsumption is Aster’s game, but it seems particularly potent there.

Shopping

On the bottom floor of the lodge, which is underground, there is a sprawling indoor shopping area designed to look like an outdoor promenade in a fancy commercial district, with stone shop fronts and gold-lettered signs and tasteful street-lamps lining the herringbone-pattern brick walkway. There are a fair few shops down there, some of which don’t seem completely compliant with the time period Pumpkin Hollow exists in. The shops are as follows:

Wolf’s Clothing: A high end boutique with stylists who can put together the perfect outfit. Everything is magically tailored to fit the wearer perfectly.

Quarry’s Demise: A shop that sells powerful magical armor and weaponry from the mainland. Purchase will be sent to the buyer’s home directly, as weapons are not allowed in the casino.

Flames of Yvelas: A shop selling powerful magical items and potions that you can’t get on the island. Combat products will be sent directly to the buyer’s home.

Complete Sustenance Market: a food market selling high end specialty products and health foods, many of which are not available in Pumpkin Hollow. Perishables will be sent directly to the buyer’s home.

Nightingale’s: A well-to-do bakery with fancy cakes and artisanal bread. Also serves coffee and tea. Occasionally you can see the baker, who is evidently a large wolf-monster with open throat lacerations. This does not seem to impact the quality of the product, or the sanitation of the kitchen. Apparently he just looks like that.

Buckskin Spirits and Liquors: A liquor store with everything imaginable.

Spacetime Super Store: an interdimensional clothing store that has clothing from other time periods, ranging from medieval to futuristic.

Ye Olde Pokemart: A shop that sells Pokemon supplies. It has a bakery counter in the corner that sells Pokemon-safe desserts called PokePuffs.

DreamThrift: a thrift store of some sort that seems to sell gadgetry, decorations, or mundane items from various worlds and time periods. Much of it is middling quality.

Spirit Halloween: Exactly what it says on the tin. How did this get here?

Ennui Perfumery: A perfume boutique that sells beautifully bottled perfumes named after abstract concepts, whose fragrances somehow smell exactly the way one expects the concept to smell and also evokes the feeling of that concept.

Price Guide

The specific items found in each shop are up to players, within reason, and are categorized within a set of broad categories. You may use your best judgment to determine the price of something. If the mods receive a massive influx of price check questions, we will explode, so please use the price menu to the best of your ability and reserve questions about pricing for things that you truly have no frame of reference for. Things are expensive because all of them will be things you cannot get back home!

Follow this link to view the price chart!

Entertainment

In addition to shopping and games, there are plenty of other fun things to do at the lodge. You could take in a show! There are magicians, acrobats, musical performances, and a stage that is dedicated to a 24-hour cabaret that becomes distinctly adults-only after dark. There’s also a spa where you can get massages, a magically-heated hot tub and swimming pool, and a dance hall. Take a break from gambling and check out the other indulgences available.

Grounds

Attempting to exit the casino is entirely possible, but not advisable, as you'll be met with a long and grueling journey through an endless woods full of increasingly violent predators and thick fog. Conveniently, however, once you turn back, you'll find the path very easily traversed and the lodge only a minute or two's walk away, even if you've been traveling through the woods for hours.

CHECK-OUT

{ CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A }

We Hope You Enjoyed Your Stay!

On November 4th at 11am, you will be allowed at last to exit as normal. But will you want to? Perhaps some of you will struggle with the temptation not to extend your stay. Remain a while more. Indulge, consume, obey.

Or not! We hope to see you back soon!

Comments

[notinflictthem]

He manages to hold her without recoiling. It's not a monumental effort, but it is a conscious one, the same way eventually you have to get used to sticking your hands in a person if you want to be a surgeon. A deep breath. A lot of the other questions he has fall to the wayside, because he doesn't need to ask. Not if she's sorry, not if she thinks she'll do it again. These would be questions asked for a kid who broke a vase, not someone who committed wrongs so awful that losing her identity would be a mercy, one she can't even feel grateful for when she learned what she'd done. This isn't like any situation he can fathom.

So, as he often does in times of trouble, he falls back on first principles. Hawk holds her and feels that tension, that terror. He doesn't regret how he responded, what that says about how deeply he values life, but he wishes he'd found a way to see her humanity sooner. Even if this is the wrong choice. Even if some other reasonable person would leave her here and not look back. What's reason done for him lately? The world is upside down, and he's beginning to doubt if it'll ever be set right.

A hand at her head strokes her hair. If she didn't recall comfort when getting sick, there must be so much else she's never experienced, either. The quiet exasperation of a parent at your mischief. Fights that resolve themselves into lovemaking, or don't, and herald the end. Bickering between friends. The feeling of being an irritation in the world, and that being alright. Not needing to slip painlessly from birth to death through the needle's eye of other people's lives. She says she doesn't know why anyone keeps her around. It's a genuine tragedy, and Hawk wonders to himself how she's managed to keep living through it. Nobody's meant to feel that worthless.

All he manages is a quiet shushing sound. Words will come in a moment as they always do, but they can't get anywhere when she's this panicked.

[abhorrently]

Slowly, Fever relaxes by degrees, lets the touch soothe some of her feelings, until they're no longer battering at her ribcage from inside. He'll sense the changes, when they happen, and she stays. Listens to the quiet of it all, instead of the cacophony that was in her skull. Now it's just...waiting. Waiting for him to tell her that's enough, to get up and leave. Waiting for what questions need to be answered. Waiting for winter, because she's hooked her hopes onto a thread made of snow, because she's still willing to try anything that promises that it can help. A necklace of other people's blades held close to her throat, for if it can't be helped at all.

When they get back, she thinks, she's going to ask if Hawk wants the letters she wrote, the ones locked away in her desk. The ones she didn't send, because she didn't think he'd ever want to speak again. Full transparency.

[notinflictthem]

Quietly, still quietly, as gentle as this cauterising iron of a man can be.

"I don't know what you should be doing. I'm not an expert at this- I don't even know what I'd be doing in your shoes. But you can't... I want you in this world. Alright? I do. I know what you've done, and I know you wouldn't be like this if you didn't feel awful about it, and I- I met who you were."

He wonders now, in hindsight, if driving her friends away wasn't exactly what that other Fever intended.

"Whatever needs to happen for you to set this all right, you have to be here. You have to... want to be here. You have more life to live than this. I don't want to hear you hate yourself like that, I don't, you make it sound like you're not a- a person."

[abhorrently]

It speaks to his care for life, she thinks, that someone like him wants her in the world at all. Him, who puts people together with so much care, versus someone who takes them apart. Someone who once was the antithesis of all his principles, everything he might stand for. And even if that's not the path she chooses to now follow, even if she'd reject that call and venture into uncertainty, he will always know what she's done. And yet, he says, more life.

Softly, an answering quiet to his own:

"I don't think I really qualify as one. Barely feel connected to my skin." This body. It knows the count even if she doesn't. It still only knows how to feel truly alive in certain moments. "But, even so, I want to live. Despite everything. Whatever I am, I want to live."

[notinflictthem]

Well. There's that. There's an almost-felt slump of relief at that- even if they come back here, he doesn't... want to imagine Fever doing it. Doesn't want to imagine her gripped in such despair about the simple act of being alive.

Normally he would make some smart comment about helping connect her to her skin, but... not yet. He gets the feeling he could ask her to do anything like this and that makes his skin crawl. A small exhale, and he strokes her hair again.

"I missed you too. You're a good co-conspirator."

[abhorrently]

Even if she doesn't deserve it, even if the entire world is against her, she wants to live. Scars from surviving, from saying again and again that she'll keep going. There's a whole beautiful world out there. Fever doesn't have to like herself to love what's outside her, to take in life in great handfuls and pour it into all the empty spaces into her.

His statement gets a small affirmative sound, almost a chuckle but more of an exhale, eyes half closed. Being held like this, even in the demonic domain, something in it feels safe.

"I wrote to you." He has to have more questions, things he needs to know to feel halfway okay in her presence, promises for her to make, but he also needs to know this. "Didn't send them, because I thought it might be...too much. But I couldn't help writing to you."

[notinflictthem]

"Of course you did," Hawk tries to joke, "I don't know what anyone does with themselves if they can't have my charming conversation."

He continues to stroke her hair, taking the moment he earned himself to try and think of some better response. Some way to not have to say he'd prepared himself for the heartbreak of missing her, accepted it in the same way he's let other slip through his fingers before.

Or to tell her he probably wouldn't have answered.

Eventually he settles on-

"I can't promise much," he still doesn't know if he can think of kissing her again without that same tight nauseous feeling, "but I didn't want you dealing with all of you-know-what by yourself. Alright?"

[abhorrently]

She nods, resisting more things that want to pour through her as blood does a reconnected artery. Of course it'd be different. It's a surprise he even chose to touch her again. No need to promise what won't be, what can't be. Getting to talk again is enough. Being in his presence is enough for her. Every part of this memorized, since she doubts they'll be this near again.

There are safeguards, she had told him, and she thinks Hawk's smart enough to figure out what that means, when she expressed what kind of beast she was. Ways to be held back from a recurrence.

She means to tell him something like probably for the best, you don't need me lying awake any more nights to make sure I don't harm you. Something where they could maybe pretend to smile at the thought. What comes out instead is-

"...it's exhausting."

The truth in its purest form.

[notinflictthem]

"I'll say. I'm barely involved and I'm ready to never talk about it again," Hawk offers back. Which is funny, but unhelpful, as he often is.

A small exhale.

"I think it says something that I didn't know until you told me."

[abhorrently]

"It says I'm a damned good liar."

Quiet as she is, the words have a scalpel's edge, turned inwards. He knows the worst about her. Everything's changed. What does it matter if he hears the tone of voice she uses to speak to herself? What's Hawk going to do, recoil from her again? He's already done that.

"You didn't know because I didn't want you to know. Because I thought I could hold back a river long enough to believe my own lies. Whatever you want to say to me, I promise, I've already considered it. You don't have to be kind and spare my feelings."

Whatever he wants to say, it needn't be softened for anyone's sake. If her mind leads her down the same pathways, where blood's ground into the stone, it's not him she has under her knife. If she could step outside of herself, rip herself away from him, carve out her own stupid tongue that contributes nothing to the damn conversation-

Oh, you can't even do this right. Can't even shut up long enough to let someone else try and be nice. Just another flaw, really. She'll laugh about it later.

[notinflictthem]

Oh look, it's deja vu all over again. A quiet, frustrated exhale.

"I didn't think it was charming when that other you was trying to turn me against you, and I don't like it much more out of your mouth, either."

He smooths her hair again, staring pointedly at a wall.

"Do you think I'm stupid? Or gullible? We're friends. It's exactly as simple and as complicated as that. That's my honest unspared feelings, that you've been a good friend and I intend to pay that back the same I would with anyone. You want me to rack off, you tell me to my face in those words. Otherwise, quit it."

[abhorrently]

A good friend, she thinks, doesn't touch you with blood on her hands. A good friend doesn't lie awake, watching you sleep, because she knows the risks of falling asleep near you. There's only one foolish person here, and it's the one who thought that for a little while, she could get away.

"Have you ever considered that she was telling you the truth?"

You need to wake up, she had hissed, and everything had been conviction, and perhaps it is the greater torment that her other self could not take her by the hair and crack every bone in her body. Perhaps it is worse to long for such a thing, and be denied it.

We're friends, he says. Don't make her have to go on her knees, desperate for him to dig hatred out of wherever he put it, use it properly. It would be so much simpler.

"I didn't do any of it for repayment, Hawk. I didn't ever think like that."

So you don't have to worry about being in debt dies before it is even born.

[notinflictthem]

Sarcastically, "no, Fever, I go through life assuming that everyone is lying to me and never thinking about conversations after they happen. It's fantastic, you should try it sometime."

He's trying, really he is, but there's this grit about her act that keeps irritating him like it's hour four of a surgery and there's a single drop of sweat that won't drop out of the corner of his eye.

"You don't get to decide that. You don't get to be in my life and then decide that none of it counted for anything, just because you- you what, what is it you're after, Fee? What are you angling for. You're trying to get something out of me and I want you to say what."

[abhorrently]

Fever's silent for a long moment, and Hawkeye will feel her tension instead of a verbal answer, stress and the inability to say things that make sense, wishing she could just give him the feeling without having to unwind it, without needing to press it into words and feel like everything is clumsy. Wrong. She wants to fling herself from the balcony and lie where she falls. She wants to rewind time and go to the Visitor's Center the first day and sew up her other self's mouth, so she cannot speak. She wants to stand outside at night until she grows too cold to bear it, listening and feeling everything for the sake of being alive. She wants an answer to this problem that holds her accountable enough that it doesn't just feel like running away. She wants every season in abundance and to apologize for mixing him up in her everything and for Hawkeye to leave some kind of mark so that she'll remember, remember.

She doesn't know how to exist without leaving her handprints on everything.

(Buried beneath her hair, less than an inch long. The mark where a blade pierced her skull and changed everything.)

It's not an easy breath. Like it catches in five different places and has to be forced through her frame.

"Why can't you just despise me? Curse my name and detest me? Why can't you just..."

It's spilling, it's falling out of her hands, she can't hold it, and if she can't shed tears she sheds words -

"Cut me open, like I was before, and then you can see how wrong it all is on the inside. It's not any better there. There's nothing that needs to be paid back because I probably don't have a heart, I already can't cry so we already know I was made wrong, you'd see how it all works without it, you -"

If she could slap herself across the face, she would. He's the one wronged here, and he's being gracious enough to not have already ended the conversation. Handle it. Get it the fuck together.

"...that - that wasn't your question."

If by some miracle he doesn't cut her off, she owes him a stack of apologies.

[notinflictthem]

His first thought is 'what is wrong with you?' It's only mostly as harsh as it sounds, but under it is the same clinical sharpness as his usual diagnostic eye. Of course, it's not difficult- it's that same writhing dark pit of loathing he glimpsed earlier, and Fever has both hands in it. If it's anything, it's like watching a rabies patient become incapable of swallowing and terrified of water, an irrational impulse towards something they do genuinely need. Does he just leave her to it, now? Let her work through it? That's really working out for her, evidently, any patient on his table would have better luck trying to dig their own bullet out.

"We both know I have issues with taking orders," he says flatly, "so I'm not doing any of that."

Hawk wishes he could stem this bleeding the way he could a real wound. Always, he wishes everything were as simple as surgery, as clearly defined as blood and tissue.

"And stop trying to get me to hate you. I'm not happy that you lied to me, I'm not happy that you did all of that to begin with. I'm not, nor have I ever been, Polyanna. But you torturing yourself like this isn't for my benefit. You think I want to see you hate yourself this much? You think this feels good for me?"

[abhorrently]

His words are bracing enough to cut through some of the fog, and that plus the feeling that coils sickly in her stomach after that display leaves her quiet. Embarrassment, maybe. Or shame. Whatever it is, it has her in its clutches strongly enough to keep her silent, to let him speak, while her head rages on.

Here she is again, at probably the only chance she'd ever have, and she's gone and ruined it too. Excellent work, really. Perhaps it's even more worthy of shame that she still hasn't let go of him, can't pry herself away. But he hasn't asked her to go, has only pulled these confessions from her like shards of bone to be set back in place.

A break has to be set to heal. And it has to be done right, or the movement will always be impaired.

Her thoughts feel infinitely mixed up, and the one mercy is that in this position, she doesn't have to see his face. His eyes would rip away any dignity she still has, and he might glimpse something even she doesn't know she possesses. The tell tale signs of another headache are coming back, but she'll endure for the sake of not moving, extending this for as long as she can.

[notinflictthem]

Well, she's not answering, but he thinks she got his point.

In fact, Fever is very silent now. He hesitates to make the analogy in his head, but something like a scared kid who just got scolded, unable to see the outer limit of his anger, waiting for something worse.

Well. It's not going to come. He's said his piece, but the rest has to come from her. He's asked the big question, it's up to Fever to answer, one way or another. He won't stay here forever, but he's patient enough to wait for her to get her thoughts back into some helpful shape.

[abhorrently]

Pain would be understandable. Physical or emotional, it would make sense. Violence treated with violence, because look at her. She can take it. She can stitch up her own wounds and bear it without even a sound, without a twitch. But it doesn't come, and she hates, hates, hates some part of her that whispers you got away with it in its absence, blood and filth clinging to the inside of her body. Anger that knows that even if she washed her hands down to bones, it'd never leave.

And if Hawkeye never knows how it feels to look at yourself in the mirror and feel the impulse to shatter it, then good. At least he'll be spared that.

Perhaps it is pain of a different sort that he makes her answer, instead of leaving it as rhetorical. I barely even know what I want. False. She wants someone to agree with her, because she remembers how relieved she felt when he told her to leave. Through the misery, through the wordless haze that had settled on her, muffling sound and perception, there had been an unmistakable, unshakeable relief. Someone saw, and someone was as repulsed as they should have been.

They surprise you.

When she speaks, it's softer. Every word's going to come out wrong. Fine. Let it. She's given up on doing this correctly.

"I don't know what you want from me, Hawk. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, if you won't hate me."

I don't know how you can stand to touch me.

[notinflictthem]

He can't help that his eyes roll back in his head. It's just frustration, and he's not venting it at her so it has to come out somewhere else.

"I keep telling you. It's this funny thing, maybe you've heard of it, where if you spend enough time with someone in their good company, you become friends. And then when you find out that your friend has some pretty big troubles in their life, you want to help them out with them. Am I speaking English? Or do you just not believe me?"

[abhorrently]

"I do believe you."

They've gotten past the worst of it. The storm is dissipating, the clouds beginning to drift away, the rain not falling. Now, one picks up the pieces of wreckage, starts to clear away debris, and see what you're left with.

"I just...feel like I let you down. Like you had this picture of me as someone better than I really am."

Like she failed him, when his opinion of her matters, in a way she can't begin to unpack lest she find herself fleeing from his embrace, terrified from the enormity of it all. She knows he said it counts for something, that he didn't know, but does it? When her self control is twine and tape and one set of arms desperately patching up the gate, trying to keep him from seeing the true strength of the river she stands in. And now, here she is, soaked to the skin in other people's blood, whispering I don't want to live like this.

It's not even living, carrying on like this.

[notinflictthem]

"Well. You did.'

He doesn't know what else to say, or how else to put it.

"I went from thinking of you as someone who hadn't murdered a lot of people to someone who has. That's a matter of record now."

Hawk is not nor has ever been the sort of person to wave that off as no big deal. It is a big deal, and it hurt him in the process.

"So. Now what?"

[abhorrently]

There's something bracing about hearing him say it. Steady, like lacing up armor in the morning, and she pulls back enough to face him. Her heart still catches at that shade of blue - blue like the sky reflected in water.

"Now, you decide what you want."

What he wants from this, from her. It can't be what it was - it never will be, but he has the truth now. He always will, now, even if it's bitter. That's an oath she silently swears to herself, on his name.

"I know it was greatly selfish of me to keep it away, lying because I wanted to stay around you. The day I realized how much you value life, I knew this was coming, and that I kind of...fundamentally failed you from the start."

But it's absent the scathing, ruinous self hatred when she says it. It's a fact, like the mountain of corpses she'll forever have in her shadow.

"Whatever I have to do to not live like this, to do better, I have to do it. Regardless of what happens with us, I have to. And I've been working to figure out what I have to do since...since I woke up and found out I was alive. Once I've got that handled, then I can try to figure out what I can do for the past. If there's anything at all."

Whether it be passing into a self-imposed exile or forcing herself back or something else. What must be done, will be. Head-on, taking the blame and the blood. Looking at him, when he decides.

[notinflictthem]

"Fee, if you ask me what I want one more time-" no, no threats, but he has made himself clear about it and remains very clear about it.

But he listens to the rest, of course. At least she realises what she's done, at least she knows why it was wrong, at least she has an idea of what's next and what's to be done. He wipes his hand over his face, presses his thumb into the corner of his eye.

"Alright."

It's a plan. It's something.

"Alright."

[abhorrently]

Absurdly, Fever wants to kiss him, watching the movement of his hand. Wants to kiss him, erase the stress from his brow and the weight on his shoulders, discard the vulnerability she feels from exposing her soul through sheer distraction, try something she can't fuck up unless she really tries. But. She's lost that privilege. She's lost being able to touch him outside of him choosing to touch her. So to remove temptation, she settles back to where she was -

selfish, selfish, selfish, to not back away and give him room, she's asking too much, her skin is screaming at her and the urge rages behind her eye sockets and the tiniest little hiss is all she lets out, because fuck, hasn't she been enough of a mess here?

-closes her eyes to block out light. Make it a little easier. Hope her friend doesn't ask her to get up in the next moment.

"...did you at least enjoy this vacation?"

One of them should have, at bare minimum. Being in a literal hellhole or not.

[notinflictthem]

At the very least, Hawk doesn't move away further. The small amount of breathing room is enough, for the moment.

"Oh yeah. Aside from all the demons everywhere, the food has been good. Nice uh... modern amenities."

Now is definitely not the time to talk about his activities with Phil. It might come up at some point, but not now.

"I'm not holding out for a comped bill at the end, though. I uh- I don't trust it."