ph_logs | [OPEN] Scream, it makes no sound, I could testify

[OPEN] Scream, it makes no sound, I could testify

Who: Alice Dyer (

closureisformovies) & you!
What: Catch-All for Alice
When: Late August, Early-Mid September
Where: Town hall, oak & iron, empty pockets, around
Warnings: Possible Blight discussion, others as they come up

1. Explaining how time has bled me dry [town hall]

Those who work in Town Hall probably know Alice as the cheerful, tallish woman who spends the vast majority of the work day chattering and making jokes of varying levels of quality. She's the kind of person that's always talking to someone and it never seems to meaningfully impact her work, as she continues to be a pretty damn decent clerk despite all her many complaints about the concept of working at all.

But after the Blight mess is all said and done, Alice seems... a little off. The first few days are the worst; her work suffers and she's clearly still frayed around the edges, but given the fact she spent a lot of the time holding down the Town Hall shelter on her own it's excusable enough. She even perks up a little, after the day Gerry picks her up to drag her straight to drinks, but she never quite gets back to full form and if you look closely enough it's hard not to spot. Her jokes are more strained, she chatters a little less, and she keeps making stupid mistakes she wouldn't have before.

And her weird behaviour is especially obvious when Dahlia's around. Wonder what that's about.

2. You say I'm vacant now when it's justified [oak & iron]

Typically Alice stops by the O&I twice a day: once, in the morning, to get coffee and breakfast before she heads into work; second, in the evening after dinner to drink and hang out where the people are. This pattern remains much the same even when her behaviour shifts elsewhere, though the observant might notice she's drinking more than she usually does in the evenings and staying longer in the process.

It's in the evenings, especially after a couple drinks, that she's at her most social, inserting herself into conversations or joining people at tables with empty seats. Maybe you're one of the lucky people she jumps in to talk to, maybe her loudmouth charm has caught your attention, or maybe you just want to tell her to shut up. Either way, she's around. Soaking up the ambient energy, trying to ignore both her own chronic loneliness and the panic that's been threatening to consume her every waking moment since Aster walked into the office.

3. If you called my bluff, I could lose your love [empty pockets]

Alice joked about something like this a couple months ago, but it's only now with her mood in the gutter that she decides to go for the drastic measures: subjecting innocent people to her attempt at stand-up comedy.

It's not exactly a polished routine or anything, and anyone from the 2010s onwards that's at all internet savvy is going to recognise some of her humour as blatantly ripped from tumblr, but she is genuinely very quick on the draw and has plenty of her own material (even if it is, also, tumblr-flavoured).

And she has fun. Despite everything, she has fun.

4. And I know I'd be fine [Wildcard]

Hit me up to plot something or just throw something at me. She's out and about.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Yeah I think I heard about that...I was kinda out of it." He's still looking at her expectantly. "You really think I'm gonna believe that that is what has you still out of sorts?"

He finally sits down, picking up his mug to drink some of his tea before continuing. "Alice, you know you can talk to me. You don't have to hide whatever it is from me."

Except this time I really, really can't, she thinks, whilst awkwardly picking at the hem of her sleeve. At least he wasn't there that day to see her suspicious absence.

She sighs. "Look, it's— I spent most of that mess running around looking after folks sheltering here and turning away sick, dying people. Maybe I'm not handling that as well as I thought! Is that so hard to believe?"

Probably. Not because it's not true, but because it's still only one piece of the messy puzzle and Sam's never been good at stopping at one measly piece.

He's quiet for a bit but still giving her that look.

"No it's not, but I also know you." Taking his mug and sliding it in front of her in a sort of peace offering of hot tea, he continued. "You're only jumpy like that when something really bad is bothering you. Like you personally, not just things happening to someone else."

Her hands wrap around the mug, can't keep fidgeting that way and she does appreciate the option of some tea right now.

She has no idea what to say. Or— no, worse: she has no idea what to say without pissing Sam off. No version of these events looks good and no attempt to deflect looks any better. She knew it when she took the deal and yet even after weeks she hasn't come up with a better plan.

"...it's complicated."

"Yeah I figured." Sam sighed again, sitting back in his chair and staring up that the ceiling a moment.

"When aren't things complicated with you? It's not the first time you've hidden something 'complicated' from me-"

Wait. Why is she hiding something 'complicated' from him and acting like it's something else. She's doing that thing she does when she thinks she's protecting him from something, again, isn't she? He narrows his eyes and looks back at her.

"Alice, this better not have anything to do with me."

Alice has retreated to taking a loooong sip of tea before the dots are even done connecting in his head, because just like he knows her she knows him and she saw it coming the second he looked like he was thinking too hard.

It's hardly the most innocent of reflexively responses.

"...not directly." Is that a lie? She's not even sure. What counts as directly?

"Alice," There's that tone, that warning tone that's more than the one before, and she has his full and undivided attention now. "What do you mean 'not directly'?"

You're not shaking it now, sorry Alice.

Why is she so bad at lying? Which parent can she blame for the shitty liar gene because if there's a freaking afterlife she swears to—

"I mean like it's nothing you need to be worrying about. I've got it under control."

"Oh so it's this sort of thing again? Alice you can't make decisions for me." Okay yeah he's getting angry.

"If it's about me I deserve to know what it's about." This time he does stand up, pacing now because of course he is. Alice drives him nuts, he cares about her a lot but he's really tired of people making decisions for him all the time.

"I really doubt you do if this is the way you're acting about it. If you have it under control then why hide it? Hm?"

Alice grits her teeth and tries very not to raise her voice, with varied success. "Because sometimes having something under control means no one knows about it, Sam! Like surprise birthday parties and— and— I don't know, other things!"

That comparison fell apart too quickly, fuck. She drags her hands over her face. Keep it together, come on. Do not get caught up in how familiar this argument is.

"It's not 'this sort of' anything! Can't you trust me on that?"

Except maybe it is, and maybe he shouldn't, but— she only did it to make sure they were actually relatively safe.

Turning to look at Alice he leans on the table, palms flat on the surface and stares her down. Glancing at the breakroom door he let's out an aggravated sort of sigh.

"I'd have an easier time trusting you if this was the first time we've had this sort of conversation." He grumbled before pushing off and rubbing at his own face. "Fine, I'll leave it be if you can look me in the eye and tell me there isn't something that could be potentially dangerous going on with you."

Que him looks back down at her, arms crossed.

Can you do it Alice? Can you really?

She wants to. She can even imagine how to spin it to herself: it's not dangerous so long as she keeps her word, it's not dangerous because it's meant to keep them safe, so on so forth. But it'd be a half-truth at best.

"...please," she says, instead, voice the kind of small it rarely ever gets. She does force herself to look him in the face. "Please, just— Trust. Me. I know how it looks, alright? I know you're pissed, I knew you'd be pissed— but I swear, Sam, this only gets worse if I tell you too much. And I—"

—still love you and don't want to watch you get hurt when I can prevent it. I still love you and I know you're over me but I'd still do anything for you if you asked. I still love you and if making you hate me a bit keeps you alive to go home then maybe I'll just have to live with that. Not like I'm not used to ending up alone.

"...please."

She shrinks in her seat, feeling more pathetic than ever.

He's half way to rolling his eyes again when the first plead leaves her lips, only for him to register the tone and stop in his tracks. He waits and listens and...god it hurts. It's like an ice pick to the heart hearing her like that. She did something she knew he'd be pissed about it so it was obviously something serious. All anger leaves him as he deflates.

He was about to let it all go when she watches her shrink in on herself further and it's just another stab to his heart. It takes everything in him not to walk over and pull her into a hug. They're at work and honestly this probably wasn't the place to be having this conversation but Sam was Sam...he had to pry. Instead he moves back over to his chair, pulls it out and turns it to face her before sitting down and reaching out to take both of her hands in his.

"Alright, hey okay." His voice is quiet and gentler than before and he tries to offer her a comforting smile. She's struggling and she can't tell him, it's something big and he gets that much. "Just promise me if it gets too bad you'll tell me, okay? None of this self-sacrificing shit, yeah?"

It's only when he takes her hands that she stops bracing for the next branch of the argument, stops expecting more frustration. She knows she screwed up, she knows she's made the kind of mess she's been trying so hard to stop other people from making, in some ways it's only what she's earned, but...

The relief in her when the atmosphere changes is palpable. She pulls herself together a bit, taking a deep breath in and releasing it. Christ, she really, really hopes her face doesn't give away how her heart skips just at him holding her hands again, like some nervous schoolgirl.

"...okay. Promise," she says, and she does mean it. Her idea of 'too bad' might not be Sam's, but if something drastic happens, if Aster does something that makes this not worth it, then she'll consider it. "...sorry."

Luckily for Alice, Sam doesn't notice anything off. He has no idea of the affect he has on her, so he doesn't even think about it when his thumbs rub comfortingly over the backs of her hands.

"Somehow I doubt you will but, okay." He teases gently, knowing that if she could she would. Or maybe she wouldn't. Either way he'd find some way to make things right. "It's okay...I'm...I'm sorry I pushed like that. I just worry about you, you know?"

In an attempt at a joke that she kind of already knows is going to fall flat even as she says it, "Why would anyone worry about me? She who has her shit together at all times always and has never had any problems in her entire life?"

Yeah that was bad. Fucking terrible, honestly. A blind man could see through that. Ugh, it's fine. It's... fine. The thumb rubbing totally isn't eroding what remains of her ability to be normal.

"...I mean, it's fine. I— get it. I know I— fuss, a lot. I just don't want to see you get yourself hurt. That's normal!"

The look Alice gives her is one she should know all too well. He's not buying any of that and it was a terrible joke, though he does still smile and laugh a little.

"I know, I know you just want to protect me but sometimes we can't stop things from happening. I mean look where we are, Alice. We're working another civil service job in some after life with magic and monsters and....maybe it's not that unlike back him....minus the lack of internet."

He had a point to this.

"The point is, I need to learn to protect myself. I can't always have you protecting me. And I don't want you sticking your neck out for me."

She can already see the second horrific row on the horizon, when the Gala comes around and whatever demonic nonsense happens there doesn't affect either of them. She has no idea how she's going to explain it away, after that.

She also doesn't want to think about that too hard right now. There's a few weeks yet. So she just breathes and tries another joke, "So what you're telling me is we need to buy you just, like, the biggest knife we can find so you can shank the next random horror movie villain that drops in."

That does make him smile more, a bit more relaxed even. At least she's able to joke, not that Alice is ever not able to joke.

"I don't know, I might end up hurting myself with it."

The lingering tension in Alice does start to ease, slowly. Jokes really are the pressure release valve for her. "Surely someone around here's got to be able to give proper knife lessons so you don't trip and fall and stab yourself like someone in a really bad infomercial."

"Guess I'll have to start looking into it huh?" Seeing her relax, Sam does finally pull away, letting go of her hands to instead cross his arms and lean back.

"What do you think? Hunting knife or switch blade?" Now he's just playing it up with her, even if it really would be a good idea for him to learn some self defense in this place.

Alice tries not to visibly rub her own hands where he was holding them until they're under the table. She is so goddamn pathetic, christ...

"Depends if you want the big immediate scare factor or the cool factor. And if you wanna be able to take it with us whenever we go back, switch blade might get you arrested at the interdimensional customs going back into London."

"Hm, good point. Wouldn't want that, no matter how cool it would be." He chuckles and shakes his head. "Oh maybe a baton? Less likely to hurt myself and it shouldn't be taken by 'interdimensional customs'."

He's getting his arm pinched lightly. "Could you even swing it hard enough with these twigs?"

"Ow! Hey!" Sam flinches away, pushing at Alice's hand with a laugh. "Alright alright, I get your point."

At least they've both seemingly relaxed a bit. At the very least Alice seems back to her usual bothersome self. Sam would never admit it but he worries when she isn't needling him or teasing him. He prefers it to her being dodgy.

"Alright then, knife it is."

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