ph_logs | [Open] And I Pray My Worries Might Melt Away

[Open] And I Pray My Worries Might Melt Away

Who: Drelasa and co.
What: Taking a dip at the hot springs at odd hours, in hopes of being able to do so without being seen by others
When: Start of August
Where: The hot springs
Warnings: Discussion of scars, body negativity, also there will be nudity

In the very early hours of the day, Drelasa Veloth makes her way to the hot springs. It's a cooler morning, a hint that the summer may be past its height, though it's hard to say what the day will bring, once the sun is up.

As she reaches the spring, she listens carefully for the sound of others, before being satisfied that she's alone. She takes off her mask, setting it on a nearby stone. Then, she carefully removes her dress, folds it, and sets it gently next to her mask. She takes off her smallclothes, and then, before stepping into the water, she takes a minute to run one hand along the length of the opposite arm. The results of Dr. Watson's surgical work are still holding up, for the most part, but she can already feel a little bit of swelling returning to her elbows- the 'sacraments' beginning to fill her body once again. She'll have to schedule another appointment.

As she slips into the water, she mutters a prayer of thanks to the Three and the Ehlnofey for the heat of the earth. Not that Azura, Boethia, or Mephala really have anything to do with geothermal phenomena, of course, but it's best not to leave them out. She reflects on what some of the older Ascended used to say back home: their kind and kin are blood of the Mountain, foyadas and lava ponds given flesh. Perhaps that's why she feels so at home in a hot spring; it's familiar to the point of feeling like it could be an extension of herself.

Drelasa starts to genuinely relax as she soaks, the nodules throughout her body softening and releasing their rock-hard tension. She's so relaxed, in fact, that she doesn't listen for newcomers.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I cannot say there is much friendship between the Dunmer and the Altmer, and the Dwemer subjected the Falmer to such atrocities that it altered their very souls and those of their descendants... and the Orsimer, they were treated like beasts until about two hundred years ago... but killing over provable heritage just seems a bit silly."

"You're looking for rationality where none exists. That's not how people work, not matter how infuriating it is."

"I don't think rationality is absent. In short supply, perhaps, but if there was no rationality at all, I do not think the god of madness would exist to trouble my people as he does."

"I don't think those two things are in opposition. Madness is a spectrum that can always be made worse - rationality is binary. It either is or isn't. Not that being rational is by default correct, but it does make things easier to understand as an impartial observer."

Which is what he considers himself, just observing society.

"But that is why they are still fighting against centuries old slights and perceived insults that they don't understand."

"Or it could be that the fighting stems in part from perceiving others as irrational. I don't disagree with you, that something is either rational or it isn't, but what decides the status of rationality?"

"Mmmm. I suppose the rational answer," he pauses because, heh. "is an impartial observer. But I don't think that's reasonable in normal life. That's likely something that can only be determined retrospectively."

This is a far deeper and introspective conversation than he was expecting in a hot spring. Not that he's complaining, it's been a while since he had someone to discuss such things with, and never before someone who had experienced almost the same thing as him.

"It's easy to speculate now given how removed we both are from... well everything really."

“We’re both far removed from the lives of ordinary elves, but… are we impartial? Aren’t our thoughts and observations colored by the values instilled in us, and the experiences we’ve endured?”

"I'm not impartial in the least. I tend to favor myself in all things." He's well aware how egotistical he is. It's part and parcel of being a mindflayer and he's not going to apologize for it.

"I meant less elves in general and more how removed we are from normal society and the life that others live. We're hardly normal mortals any longer."

"No, we're... hold on a moment. Do Illithid age?"

"No. And we live forever."

"We don't age, either."

Another strange commonality between them.

"There is a lifecycle stage beyond this," he gestures to himself. "But I have no intention of attaining it. I'd become unimaginably powerful and omnipotent but also lose the ability to move. And there's no amount of power that's worth being immobilized."

He's had a taste of autonomy and doesn't want to go back.

"The Elder Brain, right?"

"Correct. I have no desire to become that."

Another pause.

"Is there a part of you that you feel is still driving you towards that?"

"Not at all. I'm not sure there ever was. Is it similar for you? Is there something more and worse to attain?"

"I... don't know. This is the furthest that the Divine Disease progresses on its own, but..."

She lowers her voice, so that it barely carries on the wind.

"I've... I've found that, if I really focus on it, I can command my flesh to shift and morph."

He sits up straighter, looking over at her, "In ways that are good or bad?"

"In ways I do not understand the nature of."

Despite not being able to see, she seemingly stares down at her hand, which she has lifted out of the water.

"I absorbed someone into my flesh once, by accident, and before I could figure out how to reverse it, my flesh had digested them, utterly."

"By ... accident?" Okay that's a little horrifying, even for a creature that eats memories and emotions. "Did you gain anything from that? Or did your body simply treat it as sustenance?"

“My existing wounds mended, and for a time afterward, I felt… invigorated.” She sounds bitter at the thought.

“The victim in question had a different strain of Corprus. From a different colony with a different Elder Brain, if you will. I’m not sure if my ability to metabolize them stemmed from our similarities, or our differences.”

"Hmm, healing via consuming others isn't unheard of, though not quite like that."

And it doesn't sound like she's happy about it for some reason. "It seems like you were the stronger in that situation. Perhaps the intent is for one group to subsume the other, you called this a disease afterall."

“I am not ungrateful that I survived that interaction, but… I’m not sure what to make of the idea that that makes me stronger. My House’s Lord was slain, and my flesh has been more or less stable since I finished my transformation into this. Why I would have the power to overwhelm one whose Lord still lives and commands the power of creation… there is no clear answer how it might have been done, and every possibility I can think of is troubling.”

"Perhaps you're more powerful than your lord ever was. Who's left of your House other than you?"

He's not saying it, but he's assuming the next step is to amass her own new House. Which he can see why that would be troubling, he wouldn't want to be in that situation.

"Do you think you can find the answers to these questions here? Away from the influence of what created you? Would that bring clarity or cloud things further? In my case I think there's some knowledge to be found here far from my realm. Not that I've discovered it yet, but... somewhere."

“There are a number of others like me- Ascended Sleepers who are fully attuned to the Song- as well as those who still have no completed their metamorphosis.”

As she continues, her voice grows more bitter and doubtful.

“There is a theory that the reason why Corprus ceased to spread after Dagoth Ur’s defeat was the removal of his power as a source. Some of my brothers and sisters have a theory that, in the rare event of one of our number dying, the divine power contained in our slain kin is redistributed between us. There is discussion of whether or not we could use the excess power to curse someone anew to replenish our numbers. Of course, no one is going to try that. In any case, I don’t think I am more powerful than the thing that created me. And I’m not sure how much I want to pry.”

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