ph_logs | none of my pain and woe can show through (July Catch All)

none of my pain and woe can show through (July Catch All)

Who: John Rambo (

theydrewfirstblood) & YOU! (Mostly. Couple closed starters below.)
What: July catch all for Da Hollow's Favorite Commando(TM)
When: Throughout July
Where: Baker Ranch, Temple of the Sacred Roots, Forest--all around, really
Warning(s): canon typical nonsense: war, violence, PTSD, police brutality, will continue to warn in comment subjects as I go, with extra warnings for coping with mental illness (PTSD, anxiety, depression), nothing graphic or disturbing but I know if I'm going through it, reading about it doesn't always help so take your measure and know ILU.

but my dreams, they aren't as empty (Ranch, ota)

After what happened among the cultists, learning about this eldritch bullshit...dying, coming back...

The tiny gold leaf he was clutching when he came back to himself remains in his pocket at first. He's got plans for it, and they all involve keeping the fucking thing on him at all times. He doesn't want to lose it, doesn't want to leave it laying around...doesn't want to be this irrational and paranoid about potentially letting one of the boys find it around the house.

That whole deal, the whole mess...John doesn't want it to touch them, even incidentally. He hasn't really talked about it with them, save to say that he wasn't in any shape to discuss it yet, and he's not.

But throughout the next few weeks, John can easily be found at the ranch, either by those on business or those with an open invite--or hell, those who get lost in the woods and end up on the new boundary of his property watching rabbits and hares roam free behind the specially constructed fencing. He's working hard...not to forget, but to cope with what happened.

He's also just plain working, because he wants to add a couple bedrooms to the house. Just in case.

If something else happens, if he needs to know his people are safe...he could use the extra room.

as my conscience seems to be (closed to Sigma)

Within a week of returning from...the bullshit...John's thinking of the others a lot. The ones that were there with him, the ones who had his back, the ones he was most fearful for.

He thinks of Sigma a lot. Guy's unstable, like John after a fashion, but there's something about him that reminds him so much of the colonel it hurts. It doesn't make him homesick, but gives him some of the same strange comfort he finds when he's spending time with Alex.

So he ends up dropping a note in the mail for Sigma--i just has his name, his phone number, and the offer use it if you ever need to or want to.

He also includes a date, time, and an offer to open a tab at the Oak & Iron if he's up for it.

Which is where John can be found, within about a week of the end of the cultist outing. He's at a table near the back, sewing--not fabric and thread, but leatherwork: a small pouch for the leaf that he can thread onto the cord that holds Serranai's bead.

Of course, he has no food or drink, despite Tasha's puppy dog eyes, but as he glances up again to see if Sigma's entered yet, her tiny blonde figure appears with a basket in hand, packed high with everything she could possibly hope for him to put away in a fucking week much less a night's dinner.

"I do eat, y'know." he reminds her.

"Of course, but this makes sure you eat well. Now hush, there's berries in there for Coco."

The aforementioned chicken peeks her head over the edge of the table, forcing John to grin as he sets his leatherwork aside to find Co's treat in the basket.

i have hours, only lonely (Temple, ota)

Thus far, John's communion with the goddesses has been private...but the more he learns, the more he finds himself turning to them, the more curious he gets.

So...he goes to the temple. Not a lot, but he attends a couple services, and a couple times he just goes to sit or to pray. It's nice, to sort of...do it right? Maybe. It does help, a tiny bit, to feel more like Serranai hears him when he talks to her, and if someone wants to join him in prayer or say hello after a service? He's not only open, but in a better mood for being there.

He still prefers the temple of his own making, though.

my love is vengeance that's never free (Forest/Wildcard, ota)

John does precisely that: visits his own temples to not merely pray, but reach out. He occasionally goes to the beach to give offerings to Kora: little driftwood tokens he's whittled into fish, coins, and bottles he's filled with broken shells and sea glass he collects from the sand. He'll walk along the water, toss them into the waves with a few words to her...

...and he makes his monthly pilgrimage to the depths of the forest for Serranai. He gives her his offerings, he takes his meal under the tree he thinks of hers--and he spends more than a couple of hours there, trying to draw comfort from her presence. It's probably in his head, but he feels her more strongly here. Maybe it's the memory of her, but he swears that the forest is more alive here, the animals a little tamer--the odd flower a little more colorful.

The place isn't hidden--at least not by John. Find him here, deep in meditation, walking to or from this place with an empty basket in tow and a homemade longbow slung over his shoulder--or anywhere else, doing anything else. The sky's the limit.

((and if you need a personalized starter, PM the journal or hit me up on discord--the server proper, or privately at madwomanwithabox. :D))

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To his credit, Radar has been more careful about going into the woods willy-nilly since Dolly rescued him the one time! And, okay, since a couple other people around town have had to yank him out of danger, too. It took a month or so, but he's finally calibrated his head from I'm not in Korea anymore! I can go wherever I want!! to look, you gotta think about it like there's snipers around here sometimes, too; snipers that'll bite your nose off if you get too close.

So today, he's made a point of skirting the forest's edge instead of walking straight through it from point A to point B. The route crosses over a narrow deer trail that leads deeper into the trees. As soon as he steps onto the packed dirt, Radar stops. Cocks his head. Listens.

And starts to grin as he breaks into a jog to catch up with the person he hears walking along the path.

Which is how John gets one of his ranch kids bounding up behind him from out of nowhere, calling happily, "Hey Mr. Rambo!"

It's only John's training that keeps Radar from scaring the living daylights out of him--the prickle of awareness creeping up the back of his neck, the keen ear catching a footfall with a ready hand on his bow--and looking before drawing, catching the glint of sun off Radar's glasses before he can do anything he might regret.

So it is that John meets Radar's sudden appearance with a broad, easy smile and an outstretched arm to pat him on the shoulder--or, if he's the type, take a quick hug.

"We're family, drop the 'mister' or I'll call you Mr. O'Reilly." John teases gently as he draws back. "What're you doin' out here? You eaten yet?"

He's on his way to make his offering to Serranai...and if there's anyone John feels he can share this with, it's his boys.

He wrinkles his nose as he leans into the hug -- as far as folks like John are concerned, he's definitely the type -- but he looks more amused than truly put-out. "Okay, sir."

Radar delivers that with such precise, straight-faced sincerity that it loops around into teasing John right back. But within seconds, he's not faking the earnestness anymore. There's food on the line! He would never joke about food!

"I was just walking. But I haven't eaten in hours." (Two. Two hours, to be exact.) "You having a picnic all the way out here?"

"Not just any picnic, it's special." John assures him, resting a hand atop his head for a second in lieu of tousling his hair. "Got a special way of doing it, and I think it'd be good to have you there. C'mon."

He pauses for a vaguely scandalized look.

"No food in hours--I need to take better care of you. Can't have you wasting away." he teases.

Leading Radar deeper into the woods, off the main trail and into a thicker part of the trees, he stops when the trees thin just a little. A little ways ahead, there's a big tree with grass and moss on the ground around it, plus a few scattered flowers--nothing unnatural. Unless you're as devoted as John: to him, the grass feels just a little greener than it should be, there's just a few more flowers than there maybe ought to be.

Embedded in the tree is an arrow from last month, with his offering of a bone-bead necklace dangling from it. Not surprising--she can't be here physically, she told him as much.

Setting down his things, John removes the bow from his back and takes out the lone arrow sticking out of the bag he's carrying.

"Stand here next to me, 'kay?"

"Okay," says Radar, amiably scooting over to stay next to John and off the firing range. He pushes his glasses up his nose as he squints between the tree and John's bow and arrow. "What's all that for?"

A slightly horrified pause.

"You're just gonna shoot the tree, right?"

Right? Not some poor defenseless animal? Sure, he knows John's a hunter, but let him pretend!

John smiles at that, nodding. “Yeah, bud, just the tree. That other arrow is mine, too.”

Lining up his shot, John counts his breaths—and hits the tree perfectly so the arrow sits just below the first one, straight through the dangling loop of the bone bead necklace hanging from it.

That done, John gestures for Radar to follow as he picks up his stuff and walks up to the tree.

“I met Serranai here for the first time.” He explains. “She’s the spring goddess here.”

Setting down his bow and his bag, he pulls out another necklace made with bone beads and hangs it from the new arrow.

“I made an offering here for someone I…well, I thought we could—be together. Didn’t work though. So I asked her to protect him and his daughter, and she shot an arrow to get my attention.”

Radar's been hanging around Baker Ranch long enough for John to see plenty of his ridiculous, animated facial expressions... but it's possible he's never seen Radar blush this hard, or this fast. It's like a switch flipping on a bright red light, the way it flames out over his cheeks.

"You met her too?"

Yeah, this kid wouldn't look out of place with little cartoon hearts dancing over his head.

John looks over at him sharply, his own face radiant with warmth and affection—and flat out beams at the look on the kid’s face.

She had to have a hand in putting him on John’s scent today. Bless her cloven hooves.

“Yeah—and I’m probably as fond of her as you are.” He assures him, feeling something tense in his chest unravel as he moves to sit at the base of the tree. “C’mon, park it. Same day, she had a picnic and invited me—knew I had issues with eating, so she helped me. So I have a little picnic of my own when I come out here. It’s…kinda like my way of going to church for her. Now it’s even better cause I can hang out with someone who likes her as much as I do.”

Without hesitation, Radar plops down next to him, still grinning the faintly dazed grin of every lovestruck teenager the world over.

"She's really something, isn't she?" he says. "I met her when I was working that speed-dating fundraiser a couple months back. She's..." A happy sigh. "Wow. I mean I don't think I'm supposed to go to church for her but I really like talking to her. I could talk forever if she was around."

"Yeah, I get it--I'm Catholic myself." John replies, rummaging in his bag for one of the sandwiches he made, offering it to Radar. "I kinda look at it as...well, I've met her. Different world, different rules, so...I got God back home, and I got her here."

He pulls out a sandwich for himself, but doesn't unwrap the wax paper he put it in, instead continuing to dig for the tin of candied violets he brought as well.

"And I'm not ignoring God--we got Father Mulcahy after all. He's gonna help me with a funeral service for a friend of mine at some point."

Once John can let himself go back there--once he can say goodbye to Co without breaking.

"So I...kinda do both." he finishes, finding the violets. Opening the tin, he pops one into his mouth without even thinking and offers it to Radar. "And it doesn't feel wrong...here, try one. She introduced me to 'em--they're different, but they're really good."

"Yeah," agrees Radar as he accepts the sandwich. Unlike John, he starts unwrapping it the instant it's in his hands. "I talked about it a little with Mr. Cecil, too, when I first got here. It really is different when they're walking around like normal people, huh? I even got a letter from Mortanne after I went and talked to her at the temple once. A real letter, right there in my mailbox same as the newspaper! And, I mean, they're working real hard to bring the barrier down too, aren't they? It doesn't feel right to tell 'em I don't want their help." He hesitates. "...It does kinda feel like I gotta keep apologizing to God about it, though."

Like God's another colonel who found him sneaking blank passes to Tokyo out of the supplies. Radar's not actually sorry he did it, and he's not planning on stopping anytime soon; he's just sorry he got caught.

He peers into the tin, intrigued. "Hey, you can eat those? Like the dandelions?" Unhesitating, he plucks one out for a closer look.

"That's the thing about God--he knows everything, right?" John points out with an easy smile. "So he knows you're not disrespecting him."

Watching Radar pick out a violet and peer at it, John snags another one without thinking and pops it in his mouth after he swallows the first, this time slowing down to let the sugar melt and enjoy the softness of the petals on his tongue, the strange floral flavor filling his senses. The mention of the dandelions...

His smile grows as he nods.

"Yeah, just like the dandelions. Y'know, I don't think I've said it nearly enough yet, but I'm damn proud of you and Edgar both for how you handled me being gone. Not just doing what I asked, but keeping in touch with everyone, taking such good care of the animals...you're a real little powerhouse, Radar. Hope you realize that."

Radar considers that as he nibbles one of the violet petals. Immediately, any other pressing theological questions will have to wait: he makes a tiny, surprised sound at the taste, which isn't nearly as overwhelming as he thought it might be. Floral, like -- well, like you'd expect from eating a flower, but all the sugar just makes it taste like a different sort of candy. He pops the whole thing in his mouth and moves on to his sandwich.

John's compliment comes right as he bites into it. Radar puffs up with obvious pride and says, mouth full, "Thank you, sir."

-- Right, maybe he should actually swallow his food before talking more.

"Soon as we figured out what was going on I figured it wasn't too different from what I have to do in Korea, you know? And Edgar did real good, too, I woulda lost my head a couple times if it wasn't for him." A pause, and then he adds, more hesitantly, "Were you there the whole time?"

John shakes his head ruefully. "No, not the whole time--I got there around when you woke up. Told you to lay off the coffee, and that everything was okay. You were talkin' to yourself--said exactly what I did."

Impulsively, he reaches out to lay a hand against the top of Radar's head with a grin.

"Your mind works in some pretty incredible ways--that's a compliment." he declares. "When I told you where to find the letter, and your brain sent you lookin' for a pencil...even your subconscious is goddamn brilliant. You 'n Edgar both--seein' you two working together made me feel a certain type of way. Good way. Means a lot to me that you two have bonded."

Even Colonel Blake at his most effusive hardly ever called Radar brilliant. He finds he's grinning again, pleased as anything.

"Yeah, Edgar's pretty swell," he says. "He kinda reminds me of some of the guys that'd come through post-op, but not in a bad way, you know? The nice ones you could sit and talk with for fun instead of just handing 'em their food and moving to the next guy."

He pauses just long enough to take another bite of his sandwich.

"...I never did that before, though. Hearing a ghost, I mean. And I really would've noticed if I could do it before with all the people dying back home. It, uh..." He grimaces. "It kinda scared me for a second."

Which, he realizes, he probaby doesn't need to tell John, on account of him being there and seeing the whole thing.

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none of my pain and woe can show through (July Catch All)

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CW: discussions of religion

same CW continues

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