It absolutely is damage. Damaged trust in systems, in taking promises and contracts at their word when the one thing that her compliance hinged upon turned out to be a lie all along. She wants better, really. But it's something she's learned that she has to earn herself, the hard way.
"I've never had free choice about much," Ava admits softly. "Never voted in anything. SHIELD was hardly democratic either, just operating in the space of a country that claimed to be, that I wasn't even a registered citizen of because they kept my existence so secret. But I've always prioritized my survival. Maybe selfishly. But I had lost anything else I was meant to care about, hard to develop values of my own when all I had was what they told me. Even when I instinctively knew things were wrong. Missions they'd send me on. Pushback and questioning wasn't exactly tolerated, I got labelled as defiant and difficult for things that... now, I realize, were very little. Their psych evals would tell me I was simply paranoid, and that I needed to be more grateful. When I finally escaped, I... tried going against all that. Knew that they had used and betrayed me, so I wasn't going to allow it to happen again," a sad laugh, because she's pretty sure what happened upon the Serena Eterna was her falling right back into the same dynamics.
"So I got mean and prioritized myself first, because I knew nobody else cared about what was happening to me. Instead of asking for help, I tried to take it. Nearly took the life of a woman... I think I told you before. How she showed me mercy and saved me. I wanted that to be my core value. To help others that were hurting, to be understanding of what causes them to do awful things. Instead of outright condemning. And trying to help... eliminate the distress. I really wanted to be as good as Janet." She wipes at her eyes, staring blearily down at her plate.
"But now. I don't know. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I wasn't, was I. So I don't think I have any values left."
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"I've never had free choice about much," Ava admits softly. "Never voted in anything. SHIELD was hardly democratic either, just operating in the space of a country that claimed to be, that I wasn't even a registered citizen of because they kept my existence so secret. But I've always prioritized my survival. Maybe selfishly. But I had lost anything else I was meant to care about, hard to develop values of my own when all I had was what they told me. Even when I instinctively knew things were wrong. Missions they'd send me on. Pushback and questioning wasn't exactly tolerated, I got labelled as defiant and difficult for things that... now, I realize, were very little. Their psych evals would tell me I was simply paranoid, and that I needed to be more grateful. When I finally escaped, I... tried going against all that. Knew that they had used and betrayed me, so I wasn't going to allow it to happen again," a sad laugh, because she's pretty sure what happened upon the Serena Eterna was her falling right back into the same dynamics.
"So I got mean and prioritized myself first, because I knew nobody else cared about what was happening to me. Instead of asking for help, I tried to take it. Nearly took the life of a woman... I think I told you before. How she showed me mercy and saved me. I wanted that to be my core value. To help others that were hurting, to be understanding of what causes them to do awful things. Instead of outright condemning. And trying to help... eliminate the distress. I really wanted to be as good as Janet." She wipes at her eyes, staring blearily down at her plate.
"But now. I don't know. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I wasn't, was I. So I don't think I have any values left."